Review of Beowulf

For at least 1300 years people have been thrilled with the retelling of the deeds of Beowulf. Then Robert Zemekis, a man I had really thought highly of, decided that all those 1300 years of story telling was wrong and he would set things right...

To paraphrase the great poet Seamus Heaney's retelling of Beowulf..I will now release my word-hord.

This movie is awful from the begining until the end. If this was the basis for the story of Beowulf then the story would have died a justifiable death long ago, along with all the other heavey handed piles of dung spewed out pie holes of many a bad author.

"I am BEOWULF!!! I have come to kill you monster!!!" the cockney english taxi driver bellows at the poorly rendered 3D characters around him. Compare this stupid, low brow idiocy with how Beowulf meets Hrothgar in the poem

"The man whose name was known for courage
the Geat leader, resolute in his helmet,
answered in return: "We are retainers
from Hygelac's band. Beowulf is my name.
If your lord and master, the most renowned
son of Halfdane, will hear me out
and graciously allow me to greet him in person,
I am ready and willing to report my errand."


This movie mercilessly destroys the poetry and drama of the greatest story to come out of Anglo Saxon England and does it in about 2 hours. The 3d graphics are poorly done, the main characters were done decently enough, but the secondary characters were done not much better than a video game. Golem, the bar for personal 3d characters, was not even approached. They all seemed weightless and puppet like.

The acting was god awuful too. The choice for Beowulf was pathetic. Not that I have anything against a good cockney accent, but not for Beowulf!!!!!! I am not sure what made the acting seem soooooo bad? I think it was a combination of the afore mentioned crappy CGI and bad choice for a lead.

The worst part of this Grendel-like abomination was the tossing of the old story onto the scrap pile. Why Hollywood idiots think they can change stuff like this for the better is beyond me. It is like changing the Passion of Christ, by adding in a back story how Judas was Jesus brother and was taken away to be raised by anti-christian wood elves.

I guess the shallow headed trogs of hollywood felt that more exposition was needed to justify Grendels actions. And the story only got worse as it went on. The faux dragon, as the son of Beowulf was just silly looking. I am really bashing this movie. Sorry about that. If you want to read the story please pick up a copy of Seamus Heany's translation. It is exiting, a quick read, and everything the movie is not.

I give this movie a 2