Tuesday, October 01, 2002


What about sea-sponge? True it is not bipedal but they are unobtrusive and get along well with others. I've never heard of a sea spunge getting involved with "the wrong crowd". I also think that it is a safe bet that no sea spunge has ever been convicted of a crime.

Friday, June 21, 2002

Alpha Omega

"What in the?"



The dog turd hit the ground and rolled to one side. "Now what?" It thought.

An hour passed and the turd took note of its surroundings. Grass, blue sky, trees blowing in a gentle breeze. "This is the life!" thought the turd. "Just kick'n it on the lawn."

After a day in the sun the turd began to lose it's luster. "Damn. I'm gettn dried out. Hey! Whats a turnd gotta do to get a drink around here?" There was no answer.

Then a huge bi-ped walked over and took a shovel and scooped the turd up. The bi-ped dumped it into a sack and tossed it into the garbage can.

The end.

Friday, May 17, 2002

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

I have massive production artist envy. I gush at the emensity of all the cool brick-a-brack that people had to do to bring this beheamoth off. Me like the movie. Me really like the movie. Finally somebody poured a can of Wup-ass into the Jedi food bag. Acting is still pretty stilted, but far better than SWI. It is fitting that Jar Jar Binks, as I forsaw, would spell the doom of the Republic. It is ironic that the entire destruction of a civilization could be tracked to that watery fart smeller.

Best part of the movie:
Yoda kick'n sith butt. No medi-chlorian crap

Worst part of the movie:
The credits. They came too quickly

Biggest Question:
"Years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in our struggle against the Empire....." Father? Well it certainly ain't the big DV. So Amidala must end up shacking up with the king of Alderan. And pretty damn soon after the intital coitus with AS that lead to the twins. Boy that is really going to piss Anakin off.

Suspension of disblief required for this movie: (1-10) 8.5
Coolness Factor: (1-10) 9.95
Character quality: (1-10) 7
Story quality: (1-10) 8.5
Want-to-see-it-again-factor (1-10) 10
Overall: 8.79 out of a possible 10

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

Hlaf-Life: The show so far

So the clumsy Mr. Freeman finally gets up the stinking ladder. He tosses a grenade and goes through the hole. Bang bang bang and the bad guys are dead. He sneaks up to a broken girder and puts a dart in the head of each of two thugs who want to kill him. He jumps his way across some busted shit and send another two thugs to Valhalla. Then he is at this silly landing pad thing with this Ospray that comes down and starts dropping more thugs. He caps both dudes then drops a demo pack and runs for cover. The osprey comes in again and just as the two slimes touch down they are blasted to jelly. Now Freeman finds this cannon and blows open a door.

Q: How much more of this poop is there?

Thursday, January 10, 2002

The Cave

To: Osama

From: Cave Clan

Chill out and loosen the diaper on your head! Nobody took your stupid crackers. Can you say "Rat Infestation"? It's gotten so bad that Wakeem made a cell phone call to Termenix. Suffice to say the rats at that end of the tunnel are history. Of course that wasn't due to the Termenix people but to 2 15,000 pound daisy cutters!

Important notice: I know this sounds like beating a dead horse but please refrain from using the cell phone. The great Satan can pick up calls on his radio. Even calls to exterminators. Tin can and string is still okay.

Back at ya

The Clan of the Cave

Friday, January 04, 2002

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings

Okay boys here is the review of Lord of the Rings:

The Lord of the Rings is a technically brilliant film, eye-candy equal to all sorts of other big-ass films. Dramatically the film is good too. I like Frodo and Gandalf, and especially Bilbo. I liked the wood elf queen lady too, only because she was the scariest thing in the

The human characters were nearly all stereotypical. They were unshaven, and almost all uninteresting. Unlike Star Wars Episode-I, where I wanted the non-humans to get the hell off the screen before Iblew chunks. Lord of the rings made me want to see more of the creatures and less of the angst filled Lucy decendants.

I can't wait to see the next film!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a 7. I will give it more points when the next film comes out. Until then I am holding them hostage.