So here goes:
- Be nice and you get a present
- Be naughty and you get diddly and I don't mean Bo.
- Now if you are nice but start blathering around about how physically impossible it is for me to deliver all this shit to people then you get nothing. It's my business how I get my fat ass down a fucking chimmeny. And I'm a magic man! Space-time don't mean squat to a Saint! Speed limits and weigh limitation of sleighs are for you mortal ass-munches to live with.
- Cookies count. If you have been naughty, I'm not talking about getting into an ilegal war, but if you have been middle-of-the-road evil, you can buy your way out of it with decent cookies. And I don't want to see a piddlly plate of chips-ahoy. If you give me cheap cookies then I want a whole bag. Skim milk is for fags too. I am one fat bastard so I need the 4% whole-milk or even better a thick cup of Baily's Irish Cream. No Eggnog though, not unless you want Santa to spew all over your holiday décor. The smell of stale vomit is not generally condusive to holiday cheer.
- One thing that has started to crop up is the use of digital video. Now I couldn't give less of a rip if you and your wife, or boy-toy, or dog want to get freaky in front of your camera. But I draw the line at using the DV camcorder to try and shoot me. Anyone trys to video tape me and I will wake them up and kick their ass. You ain't had a beating until a 300 pound imortal Saint wakes you up by beating you to a bloody pulp.
- Ask for the right gift. Elves are pretty good at most toys but this technoligical revolution has really sucked for most of them. They want to built a dolly and they get an order for 10 million video game console and games. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train an elf to build a fucking X-box. So humor me and save elf lives by asking for wooden pull toys or a plush lion doll. If you want a computer or formula-1 race car the ndo us all a favor and go buy it yourself.
I hope not to see any of you later.