Friday, September 24, 2004

One last message from o'l Santa

It's been centuries since I set down the guidelines for presents and shit.
So here goes:
  1. Be nice and you get a present
  2. Be naughty and you get diddly and I don't mean Bo.
  3. Now if you are nice but start blathering around about how physically impossible it is for me to deliver all this shit to people then you get nothing. It's my business how I get my fat ass down a fucking chimmeny. And I'm a magic man! Space-time don't mean squat to a Saint! Speed limits and weigh limitation of sleighs are for you mortal ass-munches to live with.
  4. Cookies count. If you have been naughty, I'm not talking about getting into an ilegal war, but if you have been middle-of-the-road evil, you can buy your way out of it with decent cookies. And I don't want to see a piddlly plate of chips-ahoy. If you give me cheap cookies then I want a whole bag. Skim milk is for fags too. I am one fat bastard so I need the 4% whole-milk or even better a thick cup of Baily's Irish Cream. No Eggnog though, not unless you want Santa to spew all over your holiday d├ęcor. The smell of stale vomit is not generally condusive to holiday cheer.
  5. One thing that has started to crop up is the use of digital video. Now I couldn't give less of a rip if you and your wife, or boy-toy, or dog want to get freaky in front of your camera. But I draw the line at using the DV camcorder to try and shoot me. Anyone trys to video tape me and I will wake them up and kick their ass. You ain't had a beating until a 300 pound imortal Saint wakes you up by beating you to a bloody pulp.
  6. Ask for the right gift. Elves are pretty good at most toys but this technoligical revolution has really sucked for most of them. They want to built a dolly and they get an order for 10 million video game console and games. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train an elf to build a fucking X-box. So humor me and save elf lives by asking for wooden pull toys or a plush lion doll. If you want a computer or formula-1 race car the ndo us all a favor and go buy it yourself.

I hope not to see any of you later.

Santa!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Uncle George

Once upon a time there lived a family in a modest little house in the Middletown America. One day their uncle George came to visit. He was a kindly man. He was soft spoken, hard to understand at times due to a speech impediment, everyone liked him. He would visit and watch "the game" with pop, while chomping on Pretzels. Once he almost choked to death, but Pop saved him.

This day uncle George came with a big smile. In his back pocket was a giant wad of money. He looked at mom and pop, and the two kids and gave each one a brand new $50 bill.

"Wow" they all said. "Thanks uncle George. So what is the occasion?"

Uncle George winked and said "I have a whole bunch of stuff to do, with a whole bunch of my friends. But I thought I would stop by and show you how much I appreciate you'all."

Looking at the giant wad of cash, pop asked "So George what are you going to do with all that money?"

George stuffed it further down in his pocket and retorted, "Well its actually none of your damn business. But if you must know...."

Pop felt terrible about the inappropriate questions and apologized.
Uncle George said "Think nothing of it. I hope you'all enjoy your 50's. I'm off."

Two days later.....

Mom stormed into the kitchen in a panic. "Pop did you take out a home equity loan?"

Pop scratched his head, "No. Why?"

"Well somebody did. Now we owe an extra $100,000 to the bank. It'll take years to pay it off." Mom was irate.

Just then Uncle George walked in smiling. He had a fancy new suit, a fancy new car. He saw mom and pop all upset and asked what the problem was.

"Somebody borrowed all the equity out of our home. They just took the money. Who would do such a thing?" asked mom.

"Well actually it was....er....me. You see I had a whole lot to do and you'all had that money and well I just took it." George continued to smile.

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What would you do to Uncle George?

Well that is what George W Bush has done to you. He has hocked your social security to China, and given you a 50 or two to keep you from understanding that your have been swindled. He has given your money to his friends. It will take the rest of our lives to pay China back for all the debt he has saddled us with.

If he was my uncle I would have him arrested and sent to Prison. That is after I had beat him unconscious.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Bush Leadership!

Grand rhetoric is in short supply in the White House. Nation suffers from embargo on meaningful phrases. Scientists are urgently needed to discover new reserves of rhetoric now that our supply is dangerously low.

When asked by Bob Woodward about how he thinks posterity will judge his fighting the war on terrorism, our great leader President Bush responded "Who cares we'll all be dead."

1933 FDR "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

1960 Kennedy "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

2004 Bush "Who Cares We'll All Be Dead."