Correction

In my refutation of the concept of Offa Rex being a muslim I incorrectly stated the coin said "there is but one God and Alla is his prophet" Of course the actual inscription is" There is one God Alla and Mohammed is His prophet" This is due to me writing at 1:30 in the morning.

Offa Rex was not a muslim!!!!!!!

Every once in a blue moon I Google Offa Rex. My favorite 8th Century King.

And the vast majority of pages are regarding the totally stupid concept that Offa became a muslim. I know I have sent email responses out before regarding this hog wash but I get urked everytime I read something that is so totally bogus and crap filled.

So here is my yearly refutation of this nonsense.

Pro: The coins of King Offa are high quality and have very nice arabic script on them saying that there is but one God and Alla is his prophet.

Refutation: Nobody in 8th Century Anglo-Saxon England knew what the hell Arabic script was. If Offa was going to pofess his faith in Islam why use arabic? Only spain and the eastern Mediterranian would know what it meant.

Pro: Offa being Christian is a big conspiracy

Refutation: I agree. The facts have conspired to refute the claim. Offa Rex was so jealous of power in ecclesiastical affairs in England that he had his own bishop elevated by the Pope to the level of Archbishp. And durring the latter days of his 40 year reign there were 3 archbishoprics in England.

After his death in AD 796 the see of Lichfield reverted back to a bishopric.
Offa also endowed numerous abbys and monasteries. He and his wife presided over several ecclesiastical synods. He was on very good terms with the Pope and received legates from Rome in AD 787.

Pro: Then why the arabic script?

Refutation: Because the finest mints in the world were run by Arabs in Spain and the near east. Arabian coins found there way all over Europe. Nobody much cared what was on them. Money was money. Minting coinage took time, skill, and had to be tightly controled. Kings owned mints not kingdoms.

Even Henry II in the 12th century carried the royal mint with him wherever he went. These coins came into Offa's England and he had the center restruck with "Offa Rex" in the center. That was enough verbage and people knew what that meant. Again why would the center of the coin by struck in Latin and the edges be in Arabic?

Finally there are 8th century Arabian coins that match Offa's penny exactly accept for the name of a Caliphate in the center. This name was flattened out and rehammered with Offa Rex.

Offa Rex Totius Anglorum Patrio (Offa King of all the English Fatherland) was a ruthless, pragmatic, and highly successful petty king. Islam was detested in Christendom and Offa would not have risen to his hight had he professed to be an Infidel.

Another incident...

I think I have spoke before of my belief that the Universe is not a random thing. Over the years things have occurred who's odds are so huge that they should not happen. Today another event occurred and I have my Mom to back me up.

We had gone to lunch today and during the lunch I noticed my Mom's glasses on the table. Later that day we went to Fred Meyers and after shopping, as I was exiting the store, it occurred to me to ask my Mom if she had remembered to pick up her glasses off the resturant table.

As we walked to her car we stopped and she looked through her coat pockets. Then I glanced down and fifteen feet away were a pair of reading glasses on the side walk. I went over an picked them up. They were very pair of glasses she was looking for.

If I had not thought to ask her about the whereabouts of her glasses we would not have stopped to look for them in her coat and I would not have had time to look in the direction of where the glasses actually were.

Clearly the script writers are pretty good, but from time to time the reality of our situation comes through.

Inaguration speeches

I read five speeches to compare and contrast. The first was Lincoln's 1st inagural address. The second was his second. The third and fourth were Clinton's and the last was Bush's 1st inagural.

Niether Clinton nor Bush hold a candle to the logical consistancy, wordsmithing, and shear dramaticism of Lincoln. They are both posers.

Inerestingly GW's first speech comes across as far more critical of Americas lack of progress on civil rights and economic fairness than does Clintons. Both Clinton's speeches were really upbeat.

What strikes me is that both Lincoln and Clinton, use continuously positively reinforced imagery in their phrases. Bush, though using triumphant phraseology tends to end each segment of his speech with a dark ambiguity that borders on the bizzare. Particularly his closing where he says:

"Never tiring, never yielding, never finishing, we renew that purpose today, to make our country more just and generous, to affirm the dignity of our lives and every life.

This work continues. This story goes on. And an angel still rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm.

God bless you all, and God bless America."

I highlighted in red the bizzare parts. I have never really thought of America as a storm or a whirlwind. Though we are acting like it in Iraq.

Compare that to the closing of Clinton’s 1st:

“And so, my fellow Americans, at the edge of the 21st century, let us begin with energy and hope, with faith and discipline, and let us work until our work is done. The scripture says, "And let us not be weary in well-doing, for in due season, we shall reap, if we faint not.

From this joyful mountaintop of celebration, we hear a call to service in the valley. We have heard the trumpets. We have changed the guard. And now, each in our way, and with God's help, we must answer the call.

Thank you and God bless you all.”

And Lincoln’s

“In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The Government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the Government, while I shall have the most solemn one to "preserve, protect, and defend it."

I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

Of course Lincoln new what was about to happen. His was a far weightier speech. It had to be. It was a last plea to preserve the Union. But even there, in the last scentance, of the last desparete cry to avoid war, he uses this awsome imagery of the:

“The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

I am curious to hear GW’s next address. Lincoln’s first was four times as long as his second. And another thing that is really striking is that in the span between those speeches Lincoln was able to fight to near victory and nation destroying civil war. What has GW been able to do in 4 years?

Lastly Lincoln did not ask God to bless the US at the end of either of his speeches. Though both his speeches are filled with biblical phrasing and gospel imagery, way more than Clinton’s or Bush’s. Actually Bush’s speech is the least biblical in tone.

Politically Incorrect Santa 2004

Ha Ha Ha, or Ho Ho Ho..something like that.

Well it is X-mass time again. So who's been naughty and who's been nice?
Well lets look into my bag and see what we have for all the little brats, er, kids this year...

I normally do not want my list to get published, too much chance of getting sued. But seeing as it is the holidays I will relent.

Johnny K. - Well he was a pretty good boy this year. He could have been a cranky boy and maybe even got his parents to get him that Presidential Action Playset. But instead he decided to put the family first. Okay I will give him lots of money, a really cool wife, great kids, and I won't stick him with that poor quality Iraqi Freedom playset. Lots of boys want that playset but the soldiers arms and legs break off all the time.

Georgy B - Well Georgy has been a bad boy since he got everything he wanted this year but was really ungrateful. So he gets the Iraqi Freedom Playset.
He can play with it with that loser neighbor boy Donny Rumsfeld.
This year there are thousands of little boys wanting Lee Press-on limbs and I have had the elves stock up on that item. Along with the GI Joe tripple amputee inaction figure with wheel-chair grip.

For the youth of Portland I have a special item. She's protestor Barbie complete with ti-dye t-shirt, peace sign, and is able to cry real tears when you sprey her with pepper mace. Her arms turn black and blue when Ken the Overeaction Policeman beats her with a club. If your lucky I'll give you Ken the Overeaction policeman. He comes in full riot gear and APC with water canon and enough pepper mace to bring down an adult grizzly.

For those lucky sadists I have the GI Joe Abu Grhaib torture center. It comes with anatomically correct prisoners to abuse. 9volt batteries not included.

For kids who like dolls that do nothing we have either the Senator doll or the Representative Doll. Both are in the Congressional Apathy playset.

Actually this isn't much of a playset since these types of things require imagination and anyone who would want one of these lacks that component.

Lastly we have the Christian hypocrite doll with bible-thumping action.
This doll is built so that at night its face falls off revealing the dark powers of satan.

What will be in your stocking? Well I can't say. Coal is looking pretty good to me. Hell with the price of gas, a lump of coal could get me through the winter without having to rely on the government. Oh yeah they cut that program too.. Fuckers

Santa

Star Wars Battlefronts

A galactic version of capture the flag.

Still this is a kick ass cool game that is totally fun to play. In the beginning I didn't realize you could change your spawn points based on what command post you controled. So I kept respawning at this one post that Vader was trying to capture and he killed me four times in a row. I felt honored. I was also kind of pissed off so the the next time I respawned as one of those bugheaded rebels with a rocket launcher and hunted down the dark lord of the syth and gave him what for. However it was still unerving when he finally figured out who was shooting him. I was running around with the breathing right behind me. Then some really nice guy tossed a grenade at ol Darth and blowed him up.

The only thing I find hard to swollow is a Star Destroyer inside the atmosphere. Can you jump in it and fly it around like you can an speederbike?

Sims 2: The Empire Strikes Back

I had a brain storm of an Idea. Use the Sims2 engine and combine it with Star Wars battlefronts. This would be the ultimate of ultimates. It would be the closest thing to playing with Star Wars figures, actually it would be even better. You could have the battlefronts mode where you are in the midst of total war and then when the battle is over you go back to the rebel stronghold and hang out with your friends and family doing rebel stuff, or go back to the deathstar and do Stormstropper stuff. You have a war and peace game.

Help!

I am going insane!

It is the company party for clients and the studio has been tricked out in a Christmas theme.
The drinks are flowing, the finger food is being fingered. People are offering polite laughter to stupid stories.

AND THE CD PLAYER IS ONLY PLAYING ONE SONG OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"
I FEEL LIKE BILL MURRY IN A DRASTICALLY TRUNCATED GROUNDHOG DAY.

Help! Anyone! Help!!!!!!!

Dream a little dream

I know that dreams are your frontal lobes trying to make sense of the limbicsystem organising memory at night. However I draw the line at some of thestuff my brain comes up with. And just where does it go to grab therequired props for the dream?

Example: I dream that I live in a border town in Kentucky in 1862 and it isat night. The town is attacked by home-gard from the south. They are burning the town and shooting people. I am running to a barn to let thesmall union garrison know about what is going on. A rebel comes at me and Iknock him off his horse by swinging a 2x4 at him.

When I enter the barn I find the garrison in dress blues singing while theyawait their picture to be taken. They are in their off time a choir.

Another dream has me wandering along the Oregon trail with other pioneers.I am profoundly worried that we may be coming to the Oregon country too lateand will come into a war zone. The term "54-40 or fight" is being repeatedby many of the pioneers. There is another bunch who is traveling with us. They are trappers and speak only in trade jargon.

This puts me on the trail prior to 1846 since the border dispute that nearlybrought England and the US to war in Oregon was taking place in the 1840's.The 54-40 or fight was actually a campaign slogan and was ment to instill inthe US a desire to go to war with England over Oregon.

I know my brain is full of shit like this and so when it is asleep andtrying to process memory it grabs all sorts of historical crapola to makesense of what my emotional centers are up to. I can't really complain toomuch. When I have these types of dreams they are totally real to me. Theyhave so much stuff and people in them and historically accurate, as far asmy brain in concerned. I am shocked to wake up.

Mumbo Jumbo

It would really be great if the demolished-rats (democrats) would get their highminded heads out of the clouds and come to terms with the reality that the republicans are better campaigners. That is the fact. I am so sick and tired of all the whinney-wine-wines gong on about vote counts, and ballot boxes. Holy crap that's been going on since the beginning. How do they think Kennedy got to be President. It would be great if it all just came down to cheating. But that is not the case. Bill Clinton won this same bunch of people, twice. Why? Because he was smart? Because he had vision?

Well for the tiny minority of thinkers in this country that was true. But for the most part I think he won because...well look at him compared to Bush Senior or Dole. He just had the right stuff.
It is stupid to think that if only the American people really knew about Bush they would vote for somebody else. Guess what, the people did know about Bush, the sucky war, the problematic non-logic of this dumbass, but they voted for him anyway.

Progressives, me included better, remember that they live in the most conservative of all western democracies. We have 'always" been that way. In no small part that is because our democratic roots go to rural America. We arn't rural anymore, but our country was founded as an agrarian society.

Our peasentry was pretty much used to total freedom from the get-go.
Unlike European democracies that came out of butting heads with Monarchs that actually lived in the country trying for democracy; we had few restrictions. In Europe things didn't work out too well until after WWII.

We had a 150 year head start. European democracy is urban based and so is more inclusive of different peoples and ideas. This was not, and is not, a strong point in American democracy.
Jefferson was very worried about how America would end up when it too was more urban than rural. He was not sure that American style democracy would work in such an environment. And he was the quintessential rural democrat.

His version, that is to say our version of democracy, is still one of "live and let live..oh yes and don't bother me." On the surface this sounds the same as in Europe. The main difference, I think, is that American democracy, with few exceptions, has an inbread disdain for "governmental fiddling".

What will bring down the Bush types is their fiddling. Americans don't like Big Government. That is why it is such a powerful election phrase. That is actually one thing both the left and right can agree on.

It is paradoxical that while progressives strive for limited government intrusion in our lives, they also strive for big government solutions to social problems. It is also paradoxical that conservatives loath big government solutions while allowing increased governmental intrusion.
Jefferson was soooo right. When most people were releatively self sufficient, democracy worked well. However we have constructed a society like a gigantic pyramid scheme. Each one of us is dependent on the other.

This should be a good thing. But I think it presents a danger in that people are dragged kicking and screaming along while governmental solutions are applied with broad strokes. In so doing, even if the solution is come to through dmeocratic means, vast portions of the country are effected by governing decisions much the same way peasents are effected by edicts from kings. So they feel disaffected. And who gets the vote of the disaffected?

Guys like FDR, Clinton, and...gulp...Bush. Most Americans, right, left, or inbetween, feel diseaffected pretty much all of the time. "Washington" is always going to be viewed as a tyrant but many people. We need it's meddling and hate it's meddling. I am not sure how all this is going to work out.

I do think that populism and pragmatism rules as far as winning elections.

Tell them what they want to hear and let philosphers argue abut the truth.

Resignation Central

As per usual a flurry of resignations has come upon the Bush White House.
This is how the resignation process works for real....

The people resigning are basically being fired. Oh they could chose to "stay on" but the rule is, and has always been, that a new term is a great way to undramatically fire all the people you don't get along with. Presidents have used this in the Past. It is also used to remove people who you may wish to use latter for another purpose.

The most telling aspect of the resignations thus far is that has not included any of the Bush circle of importance. The people getting to leave all, either are not in his inner circle, or do not agree whole hartedly with his vision...what ever that happens to be.

On the Warfront: Hurray! Falluja is a gigantic dangerous mess! We are now "in control" of the city. 38 more soldiers had to get wasted and whole city blocks got to be pulverised, but hey we are on the road to democracy. The Suni faction of the interim government has pulled out of the government in protest. But hey were are working toward a democratic state...er...I guess.
The good news is that Oregon has only got to spend 2.1 billion on the war in Iraq. Compare that to the suckers in Washington State who have spent 14 billion, or California who has got to spend 22 billion. Man-o-man I am glad that we are all awash in sooooooo much cash we can spend that kinda doe in Iraq. When I see the new Boring Middle School built quite recently in 1947, I know that we have money to burn.

Here is some interesting moral values info:

State with the highest divorce rate: Texas State with the lowest divorce rate: Massachussetts The top ten states with the best healthcare are all blue states The bottom ten states with the worst healthcare are all red states The top ten states to get a good education are all blue states The bottom ten....yup uncle George's stomping...er..I mean swaggering ground.

So for family values you pretty much want to live in a state that voted for Kerry. Like Oregon!

Questions...stupid ones..but I ask them anyway

10 more GI's get to come home in boxes. 10 more families in the US get to not have fathers, sons, brothers, etc. anymore. Still more get to come home with one less arm or leg. Lots of Iraqi's get to be blown up by JDAMs and cut in half with machine gun fire. Our side says it's ready for a fight.

There side says the same. Inbetween little kids and old women get slaughtered. Buildings burn, bombs explode, people on fire scream out their last few seconds of life. Nursing mothers get crushed to death with their suckling babes when their homes collapse. Soldiers listen to heavy metal rock while they let loose with their 50's. Jihadi's chant "God is great" as they fire their AK's off down the road, killing their own neighbors while trying to kill our guys. Massive doeses of morphine are given to men about to die after being disembowled by an exploding RPG. And so on and so on and so on.

Now I am not the swiftest man alive. But where, in all this, is morality?

Oh yes, I forgot, this is a war. And war is "all hell" There is no morality in war. There is no goodness in war. There is no ethics in war. There is nothing Godly in war. There is no good war. There is only tragedy. War is nothing but murder brought to an epic scale. And Iraq is such a tiny little war.

Imagine all the blood from all the wounds at the little creek of Antietam in Maryland, where, on September 17th 1862, 23,000 men were killed in a single day. Or Cold Harbor in 1864 where 5,000 men died in 20 minutes. For that matter Grants push south from May 14th 1864 to September of that same year claimed 150,000 union casulties.

We are less able to stomach the horror that is war. This is a good thing. It is amazing how much slaughter we have born.

Darn

I was really hoping that Huston would pull it off so we could have a Bostonvs Huston world series. A Texas team vs a Massachusetts team. It would haveadded a degree of poetry to this mean season. Everyone at work was rootingfor a Boston Texas series. The winner sends their man to the White House.Now what will it say if the Cardinals beat Boston? A co-worker just saidthat if the Cardinals win then Nader goes to Washington

Facism 101

Q: Daddy what is fascism?

A: Well my lad a long long time ago in an Empire far far away, in Rome, there was a symbol that people used to denote the power of the state. It was the Fasci. A bundle of sticks strapped around a battle axe. Ironically enough there is a Fasci on the backside of the US Dime. Around the torch of liberty are a bundle of sticks.

Q: Why a bundle of sticks daddy?

A: Well you see the symbol illustrates that a bundle of sticks bound together is much stronger than a single stick.

Q: That doesn't sound bad.

A: Well it isn't bad. The idea anyway. However the symbol on our dime bares little association with what we today call Fascism. Fascism today revolves around the notion that a single party must control the reigns of government.
The must control the media, education, and though allowing capitalism and private property ownership, strictly control who gets to own the means of production by adherence to party doctrine.

Q: You said a mouthful Daddy. How can you tell if you live in a Fascist state?

A: The first sign is single party domination of the national government. A single rigid ideology. Secondly you will observe that rigid ideology taking hold of most media outlets to control the flow of information.

Q: What else?

A: Usually the single party will use fear and scapegoating as a means to scare the population into A) relingishing freedom and B) blaming the problems associated with the coming tyranny on the outcasts.

Q: Who are the outcasts?

A: Well outcasts in a Fascist state are anyone who does not adhere to doctrine. Sometimes labeled terrorists by the state. Others are people who the general population has long distrusted. The NAZI had a whole lot of scapegoats. Socialists, communists, labor organizers, liberals, intellectuals, homosexuals, and of course people who were not "pure" in the eyes of the state; namely the Jews.

Q: Gee dad I was listening to a rightwing radio man say that all the liberals should be put into concentratioin camps until the war on terror is over. I heard that it is okay for the government to cross check the books I take out of our library and read my emial. And that a national TV network is ordering the broadcast of a TV program designed to spread lies and misinformation. I also heard that the president of the Diebold company, the one who makes the electronic voting machines, says he will deliver a victory to the current government. And we are constantly being told that we are in danger.

A: Well my lad if it smells like fascism, and looks like fascism, it probably is fascism.

Q: We would never be NAZI's dad.

A: Of course not my boy. A very smart man, who happened to have fled Germany, named Albert Einstein, said long ago, that if Fascism were ever to come to America it would be called Americanism.

Q: But Dad isn't it okay to love your country?

A: Absolutely. Not only should we love our nation but we should practice that love by making sure we never relingquish our freedom or give in to hatred and fear. You see our freedom, and all that flows from that, is our strength.

Q: What happens to nations who follow a fascist ideology?

A: Well they usually bankrupt themselves by going to war all the time. They become more and more isolated from the world. Finally they either end up being bombed to bits or collapse into revolution and anarchy, or both.

Q: What do we do Daddy?

A: For a start, try not voting for fascists. You see most fascists come to power by way of election, thought usually a corupted one.

Q: Why would anyone want to vote for a dictator?

A: If the fascists have done their job well, then enough people will be too scared to vote for anyone but the fascists. By voting for the fascists, who tend to use force and militarism first, the public is lulled into the wrong belief that they are safe. But as soon as they think that the state instills more fear in them so they are again willing to give up more of their freedom.
Until there is no freedom. And people are scared, not of terrorism, but to speak out against the state. People begin to be arrested for simply carrying a sign in the wrong location. Like the women who were arrested yesterday for wearing a t-shirt that said "protect our liberty".
Would you honestly cast a vote for a man or party that would arrest a woman for wearing t-shirt that sais "protect our liberty"?
Q: That sounds bad dad. What does God say about that?

A: Well Jesus said "There will be many false prophets who come and profess in My name. They will apear as sheep, but are really wolves on the prowel.

You will know them by their deeds."

Our Leaders Words

Our leader speaks:

"After the renewed refusal of my peace offer, it became clear that this war-against all reasons of common, sense and necessity-must be fought to its end. You know me, my old Party companions: you know I have always been an enemy of half measures or weak decisions. If the Providence has so willed that the people cannot be spared this fight, then I can only be grateful that it entrusted me with the leadership in this historic struggle which, for the next 500 or 1,000 years, will be described as decisive. The people and their soldiers are working and fighting today, not only for the present, but for the coming, nay the most distant, generations. A historical revision on a unique scale has been imposed on us by the Creator."

Well he would be our leader if we happened to find ourselves living in Germany the day Hitler declared war on the USA. To read Hitler is earily similar to reading Bush.

The above paragraph is from Hitlers declaration of war on the US.

Debate Rehash

Listening to it on radio only I have developed this version of what I heard....

Kerry: Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Whinney response...excuses....confusion over no applause

Kerry: Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Whinney response...excuses...unsubstantiated rumor...confusion over no applause

Kerry: Bemused smack-down of unsubstantiated rumor...Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Gumbling bewilderment over why his lies are not working...excuses....half truths

Kerry: Bemused smack-down of W's bewilderment...Attack Attack Attack
and so on...

Patton would be a Kerry supporter. Kerry is on the money now. Attack!

My advice to Kerry from now on-
"I do not want to get any communications saying we are holding our position. Let Bush do that. We are advancing constantly. The only thing we are going to hold onto is the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose, and were going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're goning to go through him like crap through "

Cheny vs Edwards debate outtakes

As we all know there is a built in delay in audio and video so that producers can remove unwanted stuff that may prove problematic for the sensor.........

Moderator: I would like to welcome you to this, the one and only, debate between the Vice Presidential Candidates. On my left is Vice President Dick Cheny and to my right Senator John Edwards. The first question goes to you Mr. Cheny...

Cheny: Thats "Mr. Vice President" to you ...fucker.

Edwards: It's kinda clear why we use the term "vice" in his title..huh..

Cheny: Fuck off.

Moderator: Well lets begin...

Edwards interupts: So how was it in the scene where Luke finally takes your mask off?

Cheny: fuck a broom stick you cracker

Edwards: There you go again insulting me. But Darth...I mean Dick...I am from South Carolina not Georgia.

Cheny; Fuck off

Moderator: This is getting a little rediculous.(begings to choke)

Cheny: I find you lack of patience disturbing

Edwards: Cheny release him

Cheny: As you wish

Moderator: falls to the floor gasping

Edwards stands and from within his quintessential dark blue politicians suit he draws his light saber

Cheny adjusts his pacemaker for active duty increasing his breathing.

Chenny: You've learned much young one..but you are not a Vice President yet.

Edwards: Your right and I'm full of surprises. So explain why your administration has cut funding to the Litoral services while expanding research into force projection battle systems akin to those underconsideration during the cold war. The diachotomy of reduction in coastal protection, and rapid response, while relying on an outdated gross force projection scheme seems at odds with most force commanders. what do you say to that?

Cheny : Fuck off

Edwards: How can you claim to critisize Kerry for cutting weapons systems when you advocated cutting the exact same systems?

Cheny: Go fuck yourself

Edwards: The administrations blind adherence to a weak dollar policy, lack of concern with outsourcing, and seeming cavelier attitude toward debt expansion seems completely incoherrent.

Cheny: Look I, and much of America, are sick and tired of using the F word all the time so why don't you just shut up and let us do whatever the Fuck we want?
Edwards: Because your a big fat scumbag whose gonna get the wedgy of his life as soon as this debate is over.

Moderator: gulp

Cheny: Well now son you show your ignorance again. You can't wedgy a man who is not wearing any underwear.

Edwards: Did you help your wife write the lesbian porno novel?

Cheny: Who says "she" wrote it?

Edwards: You mean.....

Cheny: No one ever told you who really wrote that novel.

Edwards: They told me enough. They told be Lynn wrote it.

Cheny: No, I am the author of the lesbian porno novel.

Edwards: No. Thats not ture...thats impossible.

Moderator: (takes pistol and kills himself while the entire nation ignores him)

One last message from o'l Santa

It's been centuries since I set down the guidelines for presents and shit.
So here goes:

1. Be nice and you get a present
2. Be naughty and you get diddly and I don't mean Bo.
3. Now if you are nice but start blathering around about how physically impossible it is for me to deliver all this shit to people then you get nothing. It's my business how I get my fat ass down a fucking chimmeny. And I'm a magic man! Space-time don't mean squat to a Saint! Speed limits and weigh limitation of sleighs are for you mortal ass-munches to live with.
4. Cookies count. If you have been naughty, I'm not talking about getting into an ilegal war, but if you have been middle-of-the-road evil, you can buy your way out of it with decent cookies. And I don't want to see a piddlly plate of chips-ahoy. If you give me cheap cookies then I want a whole bag. Skim milk is for fags too. I am one fat bastard so I need the 4% whole-milk or even better a thick cup of Baily's Irish Cream. No Eggnog though, not unless you want Santa to spew all over your holiday décor. The smell of stale vomit is not generally condusive to holiday cheer.
5. One thing that has started to crop up is the use of digital video. Now I couldn't give less of a rip if you and your wife, or boy-toy, or dog want to get freaky in front of your camera. But I draw the line at using the DV camcorder to try and shoot me. Anyone trys to video tape me and I will wake them up and kick their ass. You ain't had a beating until a 300 pound imortal Saint wakes you up by beating you to a bloody pulp.
6. Ask for the right gift. Elves are pretty good at most toys but this technoligical revolution has really sucked for most of them. They want to built a dolly and they get an order for 10 million video game console and games. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train an elf to build a fucking X-box. So humor me and save elf lives by asking for wooden pull toys or a plush lion doll. If you want a computer or formula-1 race car the ndo us all a favor and go buy it yourself.

I hope not to see any of you later.

Santa!

Uncle George

Once upon a time there lived a family in a modest little house in the Middletown America. One day their uncle George came to visit. He was a kindly man. He was soft spoken, hard to understand at times due to a speech impediment, everyone liked him. He would visit and watch "the game" with pop, while chomping on Pretzels. Once he almost choked to death, but Pop saved him.

This day uncle George came with a big smile. In his back pocket was a giant wad of money. He looked at mom and pop, and the two kids and gave each one a brand new $50 bill.

"Wow" they all said. "Thanks uncle George. So what is the occasion?"

Uncle George winked and said "I have a whole bunch of stuff to do, with a whole bunch of my friends. But I thought I would stop by and show you how much I appreciate you'all."

Looking at the giant wad of cash, pop asked "So George what are you going to do with all that money?"

George stuffed it further down in his pocket and retorted, "Well its actually none of your damn business. But if you must know...."

Pop felt terrible about the inappropriate questions and apologized.
Uncle George said "Think nothing of it. I hope you'all enjoy your 50's. I'm off."

Two days later.....

Mom stormed into the kitchen in a panic. "Pop did you take out a home equity loan?"

Pop scratched his head, "No. Why?"

"Well somebody did. Now we owe an extra $100,000 to the bank. It'll take years to pay it off." Mom was irate.

Just then Uncle George walked in smiling. He had a fancy new suit, a fancy new car. He saw mom and pop all upset and asked what the problem was.

"Somebody borrowed all the equity out of our home. They just took the money. Who would do such a thing?" asked mom.

"Well actually it was....er....me. You see I had a whole lot to do and you'all had that money and well I just took it." George continued to smile.

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What would you do to Uncle George?

Well that is what George W Bush has done to you. He has hocked your social security to China, and given you a 50 or two to keep you from understanding that your have been swindled. He has given your money to his friends. It will take the rest of our lives to pay China back for all the debt he has saddled us with.

If he was my uncle I would have him arrested and sent to Prison. That is after I had beat him unconscious.

Bush Leadership!

Grand rhetoric is in short supply in the White House. Nation suffers from embargo on meaningful phrases. Scientists are urgently needed to discover new reserves of rhetoric now that our supply is dangerously low.

When asked by Bob Woodward about how he thinks posterity will judge his fighting the war on terrorism, our great leader President Bush responded "Who cares we'll all be dead."

1933 FDR "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

1960 Kennedy "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

2004 Bush "Who Cares We'll All Be Dead."