How old are you?

Me: How old am I?
Young person: Unh?
Me: When was I born?
Young creep: 1965, that makes you 35.
Me (Slamming my fist into the young creeps head) Older than you'll ever be.
Young asshole: (Gasping for air as I try to stangle him) True...very true..Gag
I fling him into a recycling truck and try to punch his face in.
Yeah I am feeling a bit on the old side. So what? I tell you this ain't nothing until thsoe college age freaks start running the world. Then all bets are off.

Stuff 2k

Now that we are living in the YEAR 2000 we have to start dressing and acting the proper "year 2000" way. First we all need to wear tight fitting suits with our colors turned up. The ladies can start by squeezing into tight spandex jump suits. Next big primary color lounge chairs! Our houses need to be really clean and devoid of anything that might add humanity to them. Our cars have to have big bubble tops and sound like hoover vacume cleaners.

As far as how we should act we should start by, acting supior to everything around us...oh yeah...we already do. Next we need to be smug about our technological sublimity...almost there now. Smugness will be big in the 21 Century. Speaking of 21st Century...what the hell is Fox going to do with their film leader now that it is no longer the 20th Century? Anyway once we have the smugness and superiority thing nailed down we need to be bland. And I mean blannnnnnnd! Monochromatic moods galore! If your not bland your banned! That'll be the mantra of the new age. We need to strive to maintain and even strain no matter what is happening.

So once we can achieve the Zen of being a smug, bland, fascist, and dressing the part, we can safely begin making all the same mistakes we made in the 20th Century. And here's the cool futuristic part, we can make them all in a gleaming, brand new, Century!

General's Daughter

[0]

This movie stinks like a whale that had a sadomasochistic love afair with a general's daughter only to end up beached in the movie Jaws 2. Stiiiiiiinky! It sucks like a chest wound! And another thing. Travolta's neck is too damn thick. Get a stair master you big fat freak. And what is it about that skinny dude who also played the cheif in LA Confidential. The guy looks half dead all the time. Get a fucking blood transfusion! I am also tired of the fucking fog mahine. Turn it off! Any film maker who rents more than one fog machine should have his balls stapledto his forehead. The movie made me want to spend the whole two hours in the bathroom and brew a hemeroid. I didn't like the type style used in the credits either. And the video cassette had a scratch on it. And the night was too cold and rainy when I went to the movie store so over all I had a very non-enjoyable time with this crappy flick. Gets a 1 only because...oh fuck it it gests a 0.

Blast from the Past

[6]

What the hell is wrong with me? I like this movive and I think that Branden Frasier is a good actor. Gets a 6 only because it is filmed in LA.

Anna And the King

[7]

Fat rocks as a king of Siam. Jodie Foster gives passible brit-performance. Scenery, though not Thailand, is magnificent and gives Phantom Menace a run for it's artistic money as most beautiful film to watch. Story is sound and interesting.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

[7]

Terry Gilliam made one hell of a drug moive. This movie makes Train Spotting seem like a Captain Kangaroo show. Gilliam, if the not the king of wierd, is deffinately a Duke or other such higher mucky-muck. Johnny Depp a most enoyable dope fiend.

Finding Graceland

[8]

What the fuck is going on here? Two good movies? Yeah I know. Harvey Keitel as Elvis? But this movie really work. The mark of it's coolness is that it takes that most contrived and over-used vehicle, (American road movie) and actually ends up by being a good movie. It is a highly recomended movie on my list.

Lock Stalk and Two Smoking Barrels

[8]

I really liked this movie. Nobody had any redemaing qualities but it was funny enough to make me forget about that. Makes me want to stay away from delapidated Enlish streets. I wish I had more funny thingsto say about this movie but I liked it so much that I can't think of any.

Tea With Mousillini

[7]

This was a very nice movie that kept you on your seat without any people getting wacked by Nazi or Italian fascist bastards. It just kept plugging away. It felt very much like a movie out of the forties, you know, before all the special effects and such-crap.

LA Confidential

Saw the movie again and it still kicks ass. I never revied this flick.

1-10 rating 9! The only thing that makes it less than a 10 is that ....well I sat here for about five minutes trying to think of a reason it shouldn't be a ten and I can't think of one. So I retracked the prior rating and bequeath to this film the most hallowed rating of 10. Let it be known
hencforth that LA CONFIDENTIAL is a film worthy of being ripped off and copied by lesser film makers, and that it can justifiably become a cultural icon with complete ubiquity.
Ye veryily this film hath achieved hights that few other flicks have attained. Let the makers of this film be forwarned. Others that have tread upon such lofty scales have tumbled from the sumit of cinematic glory to oblivionic ruin. Most recently Quentin T., who made such a
fine film as Pulp Fiction now languishes in film Gehenna to be gnawed on by satan until he realises that he is just a guy who makes movies. Another man who came close to destruction is George Lucas. He was only saved at the last minute by falling into the purgatory of executive producership. So be wacthful and let not your sucess go to your head.

Stuff

As we end the all the birthdays in the 1900's (21st century doesn't begin until 2001...duh!) I look back and to my amazement I see that all of us have lived through:
Vietnam War (Director's cut with added violence)

• 7 Presidential Administrations
• MLK Jr assasination
• RFK assasination
• All of the Apollo space program, plus Skylab, space shuttle stuff etc
• The invention of personal computing
• Numerous genocides around the world
• The fall of South African apartide
• The fall of the Soviet Union
• The fall of the Berlin wall
• he world population doubling in our life time from 3 billion to 6
  (gigabeings)
• The near total eradication of smallpox

And this is just a smattering of stuff. I have often thought about how much the world changed in my grandmothers life. From a world with no phone, car, radio, movies, tv, refridgeration, electric appliances, pandemic plagues of influenze that killed 40 million people and no reliable drinking warter and sewer to the world of today. If our world changes this much by the time we all start hitting 80+ years. Holy crap man! And right now we are running things so it all seems to make sense. But wait until we are in our fifties and my kids start running the world and inventing stuff and not bothering to tell us how things work. They'll take it forgranted that all of us old folks know everything about the world and how it works; wich we won't. We'll watch 4-d hypervision via the global-mind-net, or whatever, and be mistified by the complexity. We'll fake it for our kids. Pretending to know how we fit into the new world. And it'll work for a while. Until they catch us swimming amoungst changling sharks in our naked ignorance and then they too will wonder about how they will see the world when they grow old and are nolonger at the wheels of control.

Armageddon

I have come to the determination that there has to be different 1-10 scales for different types of movies. But I am not going to do that becuase that only complicates things. I know that it will fly in the face of most everyone's opinion when I say that between Deep Impact and Armageddan I liked the latter way better. I hate to choke it out but the cast was better, the movie was more exciting, the planetary destruction more up front. The guy that made this flick understood what he was doing. He was making an escapist cliff hanger with no cerebral cortex. At least it was honest. Deep Impact tried to be too deep. It tried to be Schindler's List with a Comet. I know that the story is a completely unrealistc bunch of nonsense but I liked it anyway.

I listened to a sci-fi author a few weeks ago say that unless your story is about a particular piece of tehcnology and how poeple relate to it you should stay away from telling how stuff works. Just through it out there for your audience and let them fantasize how it works. Like the Death Star. Who the hell knows how it does what it does. So what. That isn't part of the story. On a 1-10 scale I give this film a 7.

Horsewhisperer

Outstanding cinematography, Nice music, Good acting, greathore shots, gets a solid 6.

Why? Because the story is weak and the diaogue is one continous pontification after another. Yet again, I had to sit through the illogical agony of watching a movie about a woman who, though she was supposed to be some tough she btich magazine editor, goes all puppy dog stupid when meeting Redford. Redford, like Decraprio in Titanic, knows everthing about everything and spends the film teaching the dumb girl how the world works. What a load of horse shit. No pun intended. It is as credit to Redford that he can take such a pathetic story and make as much out of it has he did.

The Negotiator

Classic example of bad idea done really well. Pretty ho-hum. Gets a solid 4.

Overall impression: Bad dialogue and worthelss plot makes this movie suck. Clean cop is besmirhced by dirty cops, must prove himself clean by taking hostages and throwing grenades. Sorry my disbelief could notbe suspended that long.

Star Wars Movie Trailer

Lucas stole Star Adventures movie trailer! It was justlike our old trailer accept all the visuals looked a lot cooler. I am not sure what the hell the movie is about. I mean I know what the movie is about, but the trailer didn't really show me the whole movie. So that being said I must say that the trailer is pretty good. However John's tape overshadowed the trailer to the point where I was snickering under my breath imagining the characters saying the stuff john came up with. John, I want a copy of that to take to work! Trailer gets an 8.

Deeper Impact

I forgot to rate the movie. It falls into the wide see of mediocrity with a 6. It burned my ass that I couldn't love this movie or hate the hell out of it.

Deep Impact

It took two weekends to actually rent this video to watch.

I finally got a it and sat down on the couch to see what it would be like for a comet to slam into the earth. As I havn't seen numerous cometary impacts via cgi in the last few months.

The begining is strong andthen mumbles its tortured way to the point where Freeman admits to a big comet coming to squat on earth. I really didn't like the whole, rather shamless, MSNDC shtick. I can't stand the big events having to be forever viewed by slick corperate media types. The lead actress, whoever she was, should go star in mortuary commercials for all the feeling she portrayed. From an African American standpoint it sucks because they have to wait all the way unitl the end of the world before a black man is elected President. Freeman is of course great, hell I'd vote for him. Duval as old foggy astronut is played nicely. "I love the smell of vented comet gas in the morning. It smells like...extinction." The rest of the cast was ho-hum and un interesting.

Plot: I would have liked it better if the film had the comet hit near the begining of the film and havethe cast deal with their situation form then on. That way the morbid newslady would be gotten rid of much sooner. Nit picking I must ask the question: If several hundred ICBM's could fragment the comet how could 4 500 kiloton bombs do it? And why didn't they just fire a big missle like the ship they had packed to the rafters with 100 megaton hydrogen bombs? I know the answer. The film had to have drama and humanity to it so we had to sit there and watch a very unrealistic attempt to blow a comet up.

In the end ofthe film I was left with a longing for more...food. I was hungry. So I got up off the couch and made a sandwich and then read a book and by the time I went to bed I had almost forgotten about the film. Then lay there pondering the unponderable question. Why did Freeman and his administration wait so long to evacuate the cities? He had had months to do that. And how ordered would amilitary be when the vast majority of it's members would be comet food? The whole lottery thing bugged me too. It was glossed over but as I thought about it and how it was handled I found it grossly unfair. The little brat who found the comet gets to go? Why? Just dumb luck? Or politics? In the end I would want a congressional investigation into Freeman and why he had let millions die when he had the foreknowledge of the coming events. I would also sue the sh@t out of the fedral governement for allowing political cronyism to taint the system for who got saved.

Loved the special effects.

Lost in Space

Not to hurt James Cameron but I liked lost in space better than Titanic. Lost In Space gets a 6 on the 1 to 10 scale. The story was better than I expected but still stuffed with so much bad dialogue and over acting that I wanted to hide my eyes. Of particular strangness were the really bad one liners said by the dude who played major West and the chick who played Judy. The story tried to cram too much story into too little dialogue and had no sense of time. Sci-fi moives have a very tough time telling time. Did the movie take place in a single day, week, month? It was difficult to tell.

The visual effects were great and the end credits were more kenetic than the film itself. over all the art direction was superb unitl it came to the planet set dressing. The planet set was not much better looking than the old 60's tv show. Yet I didn't mind it. The campy planet grounded the film with it's TV show past. As did the very badly done cg-alein creature. Stan Winston don't retire your puppet's just yet.

There were also a couple of mundane shots in the begining during the terrorist attack. What saved them was the speed of action.

Lost in Space seemed like a sequal to the 5th Element. Both movies were stylistically similar. Gary Oldman was practically the same character. Of the two films 5th Element was better acted and had a better story.

I was expecting Lost in Space to be a totally lame movie. The more I watched the more I liked the show. I was sitting there on the couch wishing I had seen the movie when I was a kid.

Starship Troopers

What the f@#k was that!

The bad-film-o-meter exploded due to overheating. This film sucked!

They should lock that forign filmaker guy up and send him to the island of misfit filmakers. My colon produced a hemeroid over this nonsensical piece of crap. I kept feeling like I had to fart and vomit at the smae time.

Where do I start? First of all I have seen lots of films that had a good story done badly. I have seen a bad story done well. This is the worst of all types of films. A bad story done very badly. Lets take a look at the story. Kid nazis go on a genicidal ramapge! The bugs are unhappy that earth is imperialising they space so they hurla meteor at Earth. Instead of Earth saying "Hey! Stop throwing rocks!" The nazi's send a million man invasion force into bug space. This act really shows how pathetic we humans are. Not in the film but as movie makers.

The battle scenes looked like the movie gettysburg with drop ships. No missles, no tanks, no smart bombs, in short no 20th century technology. Only some machine guns and a nuclear hand grenade. What a load of crap! I was rooting for the bugs from the start. I was hoping that the bugs would end up killing everyone.

The special effects were boring and uninteresting. There was no art, no beauty, no nothing. By the timethe movie was over I wanted to physically kick the VCR out the window. I wanted to take the tape and smash it into oblivion. I wanted to scrape every inch of mag tape so that no trqace of the horrid little venture could be salvaged. I quickly sent this tape back to movie rental hell where it belongs.

Yuck. This film gets a 1.

Titanic

As all of you are prbably well aware I do not get out much. So I have only recently viewed Titanic. But I find that I must review it since it is arguably t he biggest movie of last year, the most expensive movie ever made, and highest grossing film. So here we go:

First of all I think I may have discovered a new law regarding movies. The law states that the size of a movies budget is inverse to the complexity of the story. That is to say that the simpler the story the bigger the budget. Now I do not put down simple stories. Somtimes the simple story is the better story. At times, however, a simple story is a preposterously inept story. Titanic is such a story. The underlying love story is so teeny-bopper, 1 dimensionally sappy, that too make it interesting the filmaker had to spend 200 million dollars and set the pathetic plot amidst the greatest maritime disaster in history.

I sat watching this movie and it just screamed, "I am a mediocre silly-head!" the whole way through. Leonardo the Great came across as just another cardboard cut out American expatriot starving artist that has NO flaws and seemingly knows evrything about everything. I guess
captain Smith should have asked the DeCrapria what he should do about missing icebergs. The only good thing about Leonardos role was that he was killed off.

Kate Winslet's role was another, cardboad, seen-it-a-million-times-before, sort of character. She was the typical, rebellious, suffregate, virgin, who, dispite her desire for freedom from her oppresive hubby-to-be is willing to do everything that Leo tells her. Get this shit! She, after only knowing Leo for two days, is willing to die for him? Sounds like Winslet is pretty co-dependant to me.

Rich people in the movie: One dimensional and completely predicatble en masse. The only good line in the entire movie is said by the guy who played Gugenheim. The ship was going down fast and he was told that the lifeboats were gone. He said, "Give me a brandy." The movie should have had that as a caviat in the opening credits. "Much brandy required to make plot sufferable."

Poor people: Pukingly sterotypical in all their "Drucken-poor-homeless-yet realy-happy-and-wise" behavior. As I watched them drown by the hundreds I felt nothing for them because they
seemed like rabal, the filmaker skillfully striping them of all humanity. Shame on you Cameron.
What's up with Carry Hen? Is she in every Cameron movie? Her lameassed Irish mom ruetine sucked. I kpet waiting for her to cast her kids aside and pull out her pulse rife and attack the biggoted ship-staff with "Lets Rock!"

Treasure Hunting grunts: More gen-xers plucked, along with Paxton, right out of their roles from that great cinematic epic Twister!

Old lady: There's no way in hell I'd drop a daimond like that in the ocean. Obvously the lady cares more about the dead guy she new for a day or so than she does about her daughter or extended family who might use the daimaond to secure the future of the living. But the scene, I guess, was supposed to be some pathetic atempt at a coming-full-circle closure affair.

The special effects: Outstanding! If they crew had put a fraction of the effort into the story as they did into the visuals the film would be great. There were a couple of truely lame green-screen shots, but that was about it. Digital Domain is a kick ass outfit.

As for this film being the biggest thing in movies: I am scared that a film like this is so popular. I know it ws marketed to the late-teen, mid-twenties crowd. But how could they stomach this shit. If the younger generation swallows sewer suasages like this what is to come next? Oh yeah I know, end of the world asteroid or comet movies.

Sorry Mr. Cameron for my, harsh yet completly accurate, review of your film. If your story had been better I would have liked your movie. But it was stupid so that none of the cool ship sinking scenes did much for me.