Titanic

As all of you are prbably well aware I do not get out much. So I have only recently viewed Titanic. But I find that I must review it since it is arguably t he biggest movie of last year, the most expensive movie ever made, and highest grossing film. So here we go:

First of all I think I may have discovered a new law regarding movies. The law states that the size of a movies budget is inverse to the complexity of the story. That is to say that the simpler the story the bigger the budget. Now I do not put down simple stories. Somtimes the simple story is the better story. At times, however, a simple story is a preposterously inept story. Titanic is such a story. The underlying love story is so teeny-bopper, 1 dimensionally sappy, that too make it interesting the filmaker had to spend 200 million dollars and set the pathetic plot amidst the greatest maritime disaster in history.

I sat watching this movie and it just screamed, "I am a mediocre silly-head!" the whole way through. Leonardo the Great came across as just another cardboard cut out American expatriot starving artist that has NO flaws and seemingly knows evrything about everything. I guess
captain Smith should have asked the DeCrapria what he should do about missing icebergs. The only good thing about Leonardos role was that he was killed off.

Kate Winslet's role was another, cardboad, seen-it-a-million-times-before, sort of character. She was the typical, rebellious, suffregate, virgin, who, dispite her desire for freedom from her oppresive hubby-to-be is willing to do everything that Leo tells her. Get this shit! She, after only knowing Leo for two days, is willing to die for him? Sounds like Winslet is pretty co-dependant to me.

Rich people in the movie: One dimensional and completely predicatble en masse. The only good line in the entire movie is said by the guy who played Gugenheim. The ship was going down fast and he was told that the lifeboats were gone. He said, "Give me a brandy." The movie should have had that as a caviat in the opening credits. "Much brandy required to make plot sufferable."

Poor people: Pukingly sterotypical in all their "Drucken-poor-homeless-yet realy-happy-and-wise" behavior. As I watched them drown by the hundreds I felt nothing for them because they
seemed like rabal, the filmaker skillfully striping them of all humanity. Shame on you Cameron.
What's up with Carry Hen? Is she in every Cameron movie? Her lameassed Irish mom ruetine sucked. I kpet waiting for her to cast her kids aside and pull out her pulse rife and attack the biggoted ship-staff with "Lets Rock!"

Treasure Hunting grunts: More gen-xers plucked, along with Paxton, right out of their roles from that great cinematic epic Twister!

Old lady: There's no way in hell I'd drop a daimond like that in the ocean. Obvously the lady cares more about the dead guy she new for a day or so than she does about her daughter or extended family who might use the daimaond to secure the future of the living. But the scene, I guess, was supposed to be some pathetic atempt at a coming-full-circle closure affair.

The special effects: Outstanding! If they crew had put a fraction of the effort into the story as they did into the visuals the film would be great. There were a couple of truely lame green-screen shots, but that was about it. Digital Domain is a kick ass outfit.

As for this film being the biggest thing in movies: I am scared that a film like this is so popular. I know it ws marketed to the late-teen, mid-twenties crowd. But how could they stomach this shit. If the younger generation swallows sewer suasages like this what is to come next? Oh yeah I know, end of the world asteroid or comet movies.

Sorry Mr. Cameron for my, harsh yet completly accurate, review of your film. If your story had been better I would have liked your movie. But it was stupid so that none of the cool ship sinking scenes did much for me.