Star Wars Battlefronts

A galactic version of capture the flag.

Still this is a kick ass cool game that is totally fun to play. In the beginning I didn't realize you could change your spawn points based on what command post you controled. So I kept respawning at this one post that Vader was trying to capture and he killed me four times in a row. I felt honored. I was also kind of pissed off so the the next time I respawned as one of those bugheaded rebels with a rocket launcher and hunted down the dark lord of the syth and gave him what for. However it was still unerving when he finally figured out who was shooting him. I was running around with the breathing right behind me. Then some really nice guy tossed a grenade at ol Darth and blowed him up.

The only thing I find hard to swollow is a Star Destroyer inside the atmosphere. Can you jump in it and fly it around like you can an speederbike?

Sims 2: The Empire Strikes Back

I had a brain storm of an Idea. Use the Sims2 engine and combine it with Star Wars battlefronts. This would be the ultimate of ultimates. It would be the closest thing to playing with Star Wars figures, actually it would be even better. You could have the battlefronts mode where you are in the midst of total war and then when the battle is over you go back to the rebel stronghold and hang out with your friends and family doing rebel stuff, or go back to the deathstar and do Stormstropper stuff. You have a war and peace game.

Help!

I am going insane!

It is the company party for clients and the studio has been tricked out in a Christmas theme.
The drinks are flowing, the finger food is being fingered. People are offering polite laughter to stupid stories.

AND THE CD PLAYER IS ONLY PLAYING ONE SONG OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"
I FEEL LIKE BILL MURRY IN A DRASTICALLY TRUNCATED GROUNDHOG DAY.

Help! Anyone! Help!!!!!!!

Dream a little dream

I know that dreams are your frontal lobes trying to make sense of the limbicsystem organising memory at night. However I draw the line at some of thestuff my brain comes up with. And just where does it go to grab therequired props for the dream?

Example: I dream that I live in a border town in Kentucky in 1862 and it isat night. The town is attacked by home-gard from the south. They are burning the town and shooting people. I am running to a barn to let thesmall union garrison know about what is going on. A rebel comes at me and Iknock him off his horse by swinging a 2x4 at him.

When I enter the barn I find the garrison in dress blues singing while theyawait their picture to be taken. They are in their off time a choir.

Another dream has me wandering along the Oregon trail with other pioneers.I am profoundly worried that we may be coming to the Oregon country too lateand will come into a war zone. The term "54-40 or fight" is being repeatedby many of the pioneers. There is another bunch who is traveling with us. They are trappers and speak only in trade jargon.

This puts me on the trail prior to 1846 since the border dispute that nearlybrought England and the US to war in Oregon was taking place in the 1840's.The 54-40 or fight was actually a campaign slogan and was ment to instill inthe US a desire to go to war with England over Oregon.

I know my brain is full of shit like this and so when it is asleep andtrying to process memory it grabs all sorts of historical crapola to makesense of what my emotional centers are up to. I can't really complain toomuch. When I have these types of dreams they are totally real to me. Theyhave so much stuff and people in them and historically accurate, as far asmy brain in concerned. I am shocked to wake up.

Mumbo Jumbo

It would really be great if the demolished-rats (democrats) would get their highminded heads out of the clouds and come to terms with the reality that the republicans are better campaigners. That is the fact. I am so sick and tired of all the whinney-wine-wines gong on about vote counts, and ballot boxes. Holy crap that's been going on since the beginning. How do they think Kennedy got to be President. It would be great if it all just came down to cheating. But that is not the case. Bill Clinton won this same bunch of people, twice. Why? Because he was smart? Because he had vision?

Well for the tiny minority of thinkers in this country that was true. But for the most part I think he won because...well look at him compared to Bush Senior or Dole. He just had the right stuff.
It is stupid to think that if only the American people really knew about Bush they would vote for somebody else. Guess what, the people did know about Bush, the sucky war, the problematic non-logic of this dumbass, but they voted for him anyway.

Progressives, me included better, remember that they live in the most conservative of all western democracies. We have 'always" been that way. In no small part that is because our democratic roots go to rural America. We arn't rural anymore, but our country was founded as an agrarian society.

Our peasentry was pretty much used to total freedom from the get-go.
Unlike European democracies that came out of butting heads with Monarchs that actually lived in the country trying for democracy; we had few restrictions. In Europe things didn't work out too well until after WWII.

We had a 150 year head start. European democracy is urban based and so is more inclusive of different peoples and ideas. This was not, and is not, a strong point in American democracy.
Jefferson was very worried about how America would end up when it too was more urban than rural. He was not sure that American style democracy would work in such an environment. And he was the quintessential rural democrat.

His version, that is to say our version of democracy, is still one of "live and let live..oh yes and don't bother me." On the surface this sounds the same as in Europe. The main difference, I think, is that American democracy, with few exceptions, has an inbread disdain for "governmental fiddling".

What will bring down the Bush types is their fiddling. Americans don't like Big Government. That is why it is such a powerful election phrase. That is actually one thing both the left and right can agree on.

It is paradoxical that while progressives strive for limited government intrusion in our lives, they also strive for big government solutions to social problems. It is also paradoxical that conservatives loath big government solutions while allowing increased governmental intrusion.
Jefferson was soooo right. When most people were releatively self sufficient, democracy worked well. However we have constructed a society like a gigantic pyramid scheme. Each one of us is dependent on the other.

This should be a good thing. But I think it presents a danger in that people are dragged kicking and screaming along while governmental solutions are applied with broad strokes. In so doing, even if the solution is come to through dmeocratic means, vast portions of the country are effected by governing decisions much the same way peasents are effected by edicts from kings. So they feel disaffected. And who gets the vote of the disaffected?

Guys like FDR, Clinton, and...gulp...Bush. Most Americans, right, left, or inbetween, feel diseaffected pretty much all of the time. "Washington" is always going to be viewed as a tyrant but many people. We need it's meddling and hate it's meddling. I am not sure how all this is going to work out.

I do think that populism and pragmatism rules as far as winning elections.

Tell them what they want to hear and let philosphers argue abut the truth.

Resignation Central

As per usual a flurry of resignations has come upon the Bush White House.
This is how the resignation process works for real....

The people resigning are basically being fired. Oh they could chose to "stay on" but the rule is, and has always been, that a new term is a great way to undramatically fire all the people you don't get along with. Presidents have used this in the Past. It is also used to remove people who you may wish to use latter for another purpose.

The most telling aspect of the resignations thus far is that has not included any of the Bush circle of importance. The people getting to leave all, either are not in his inner circle, or do not agree whole hartedly with his vision...what ever that happens to be.

On the Warfront: Hurray! Falluja is a gigantic dangerous mess! We are now "in control" of the city. 38 more soldiers had to get wasted and whole city blocks got to be pulverised, but hey we are on the road to democracy. The Suni faction of the interim government has pulled out of the government in protest. But hey were are working toward a democratic state...er...I guess.
The good news is that Oregon has only got to spend 2.1 billion on the war in Iraq. Compare that to the suckers in Washington State who have spent 14 billion, or California who has got to spend 22 billion. Man-o-man I am glad that we are all awash in sooooooo much cash we can spend that kinda doe in Iraq. When I see the new Boring Middle School built quite recently in 1947, I know that we have money to burn.

Here is some interesting moral values info:

State with the highest divorce rate: Texas State with the lowest divorce rate: Massachussetts The top ten states with the best healthcare are all blue states The bottom ten states with the worst healthcare are all red states The top ten states to get a good education are all blue states The bottom ten....yup uncle George's stomping...er..I mean swaggering ground.

So for family values you pretty much want to live in a state that voted for Kerry. Like Oregon!

Questions...stupid ones..but I ask them anyway

10 more GI's get to come home in boxes. 10 more families in the US get to not have fathers, sons, brothers, etc. anymore. Still more get to come home with one less arm or leg. Lots of Iraqi's get to be blown up by JDAMs and cut in half with machine gun fire. Our side says it's ready for a fight.

There side says the same. Inbetween little kids and old women get slaughtered. Buildings burn, bombs explode, people on fire scream out their last few seconds of life. Nursing mothers get crushed to death with their suckling babes when their homes collapse. Soldiers listen to heavy metal rock while they let loose with their 50's. Jihadi's chant "God is great" as they fire their AK's off down the road, killing their own neighbors while trying to kill our guys. Massive doeses of morphine are given to men about to die after being disembowled by an exploding RPG. And so on and so on and so on.

Now I am not the swiftest man alive. But where, in all this, is morality?

Oh yes, I forgot, this is a war. And war is "all hell" There is no morality in war. There is no goodness in war. There is no ethics in war. There is nothing Godly in war. There is no good war. There is only tragedy. War is nothing but murder brought to an epic scale. And Iraq is such a tiny little war.

Imagine all the blood from all the wounds at the little creek of Antietam in Maryland, where, on September 17th 1862, 23,000 men were killed in a single day. Or Cold Harbor in 1864 where 5,000 men died in 20 minutes. For that matter Grants push south from May 14th 1864 to September of that same year claimed 150,000 union casulties.

We are less able to stomach the horror that is war. This is a good thing. It is amazing how much slaughter we have born.

Darn

I was really hoping that Huston would pull it off so we could have a Bostonvs Huston world series. A Texas team vs a Massachusetts team. It would haveadded a degree of poetry to this mean season. Everyone at work was rootingfor a Boston Texas series. The winner sends their man to the White House.Now what will it say if the Cardinals beat Boston? A co-worker just saidthat if the Cardinals win then Nader goes to Washington

Facism 101

Q: Daddy what is fascism?

A: Well my lad a long long time ago in an Empire far far away, in Rome, there was a symbol that people used to denote the power of the state. It was the Fasci. A bundle of sticks strapped around a battle axe. Ironically enough there is a Fasci on the backside of the US Dime. Around the torch of liberty are a bundle of sticks.

Q: Why a bundle of sticks daddy?

A: Well you see the symbol illustrates that a bundle of sticks bound together is much stronger than a single stick.

Q: That doesn't sound bad.

A: Well it isn't bad. The idea anyway. However the symbol on our dime bares little association with what we today call Fascism. Fascism today revolves around the notion that a single party must control the reigns of government.
The must control the media, education, and though allowing capitalism and private property ownership, strictly control who gets to own the means of production by adherence to party doctrine.

Q: You said a mouthful Daddy. How can you tell if you live in a Fascist state?

A: The first sign is single party domination of the national government. A single rigid ideology. Secondly you will observe that rigid ideology taking hold of most media outlets to control the flow of information.

Q: What else?

A: Usually the single party will use fear and scapegoating as a means to scare the population into A) relingishing freedom and B) blaming the problems associated with the coming tyranny on the outcasts.

Q: Who are the outcasts?

A: Well outcasts in a Fascist state are anyone who does not adhere to doctrine. Sometimes labeled terrorists by the state. Others are people who the general population has long distrusted. The NAZI had a whole lot of scapegoats. Socialists, communists, labor organizers, liberals, intellectuals, homosexuals, and of course people who were not "pure" in the eyes of the state; namely the Jews.

Q: Gee dad I was listening to a rightwing radio man say that all the liberals should be put into concentratioin camps until the war on terror is over. I heard that it is okay for the government to cross check the books I take out of our library and read my emial. And that a national TV network is ordering the broadcast of a TV program designed to spread lies and misinformation. I also heard that the president of the Diebold company, the one who makes the electronic voting machines, says he will deliver a victory to the current government. And we are constantly being told that we are in danger.

A: Well my lad if it smells like fascism, and looks like fascism, it probably is fascism.

Q: We would never be NAZI's dad.

A: Of course not my boy. A very smart man, who happened to have fled Germany, named Albert Einstein, said long ago, that if Fascism were ever to come to America it would be called Americanism.

Q: But Dad isn't it okay to love your country?

A: Absolutely. Not only should we love our nation but we should practice that love by making sure we never relingquish our freedom or give in to hatred and fear. You see our freedom, and all that flows from that, is our strength.

Q: What happens to nations who follow a fascist ideology?

A: Well they usually bankrupt themselves by going to war all the time. They become more and more isolated from the world. Finally they either end up being bombed to bits or collapse into revolution and anarchy, or both.

Q: What do we do Daddy?

A: For a start, try not voting for fascists. You see most fascists come to power by way of election, thought usually a corupted one.

Q: Why would anyone want to vote for a dictator?

A: If the fascists have done their job well, then enough people will be too scared to vote for anyone but the fascists. By voting for the fascists, who tend to use force and militarism first, the public is lulled into the wrong belief that they are safe. But as soon as they think that the state instills more fear in them so they are again willing to give up more of their freedom.
Until there is no freedom. And people are scared, not of terrorism, but to speak out against the state. People begin to be arrested for simply carrying a sign in the wrong location. Like the women who were arrested yesterday for wearing a t-shirt that said "protect our liberty".
Would you honestly cast a vote for a man or party that would arrest a woman for wearing t-shirt that sais "protect our liberty"?
Q: That sounds bad dad. What does God say about that?

A: Well Jesus said "There will be many false prophets who come and profess in My name. They will apear as sheep, but are really wolves on the prowel.

You will know them by their deeds."

Our Leaders Words

Our leader speaks:

"After the renewed refusal of my peace offer, it became clear that this war-against all reasons of common, sense and necessity-must be fought to its end. You know me, my old Party companions: you know I have always been an enemy of half measures or weak decisions. If the Providence has so willed that the people cannot be spared this fight, then I can only be grateful that it entrusted me with the leadership in this historic struggle which, for the next 500 or 1,000 years, will be described as decisive. The people and their soldiers are working and fighting today, not only for the present, but for the coming, nay the most distant, generations. A historical revision on a unique scale has been imposed on us by the Creator."

Well he would be our leader if we happened to find ourselves living in Germany the day Hitler declared war on the USA. To read Hitler is earily similar to reading Bush.

The above paragraph is from Hitlers declaration of war on the US.

Debate Rehash

Listening to it on radio only I have developed this version of what I heard....

Kerry: Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Whinney response...excuses....confusion over no applause

Kerry: Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Whinney response...excuses...unsubstantiated rumor...confusion over no applause

Kerry: Bemused smack-down of unsubstantiated rumor...Proposal...Attack Attack Attack

W: Gumbling bewilderment over why his lies are not working...excuses....half truths

Kerry: Bemused smack-down of W's bewilderment...Attack Attack Attack
and so on...

Patton would be a Kerry supporter. Kerry is on the money now. Attack!

My advice to Kerry from now on-
"I do not want to get any communications saying we are holding our position. Let Bush do that. We are advancing constantly. The only thing we are going to hold onto is the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose, and were going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're goning to go through him like crap through "

Cheny vs Edwards debate outtakes

As we all know there is a built in delay in audio and video so that producers can remove unwanted stuff that may prove problematic for the sensor.........

Moderator: I would like to welcome you to this, the one and only, debate between the Vice Presidential Candidates. On my left is Vice President Dick Cheny and to my right Senator John Edwards. The first question goes to you Mr. Cheny...

Cheny: Thats "Mr. Vice President" to you ...fucker.

Edwards: It's kinda clear why we use the term "vice" in his title..huh..

Cheny: Fuck off.

Moderator: Well lets begin...

Edwards interupts: So how was it in the scene where Luke finally takes your mask off?

Cheny: fuck a broom stick you cracker

Edwards: There you go again insulting me. But Darth...I mean Dick...I am from South Carolina not Georgia.

Cheny; Fuck off

Moderator: This is getting a little rediculous.(begings to choke)

Cheny: I find you lack of patience disturbing

Edwards: Cheny release him

Cheny: As you wish

Moderator: falls to the floor gasping

Edwards stands and from within his quintessential dark blue politicians suit he draws his light saber

Cheny adjusts his pacemaker for active duty increasing his breathing.

Chenny: You've learned much young one..but you are not a Vice President yet.

Edwards: Your right and I'm full of surprises. So explain why your administration has cut funding to the Litoral services while expanding research into force projection battle systems akin to those underconsideration during the cold war. The diachotomy of reduction in coastal protection, and rapid response, while relying on an outdated gross force projection scheme seems at odds with most force commanders. what do you say to that?

Cheny : Fuck off

Edwards: How can you claim to critisize Kerry for cutting weapons systems when you advocated cutting the exact same systems?

Cheny: Go fuck yourself

Edwards: The administrations blind adherence to a weak dollar policy, lack of concern with outsourcing, and seeming cavelier attitude toward debt expansion seems completely incoherrent.

Cheny: Look I, and much of America, are sick and tired of using the F word all the time so why don't you just shut up and let us do whatever the Fuck we want?
Edwards: Because your a big fat scumbag whose gonna get the wedgy of his life as soon as this debate is over.

Moderator: gulp

Cheny: Well now son you show your ignorance again. You can't wedgy a man who is not wearing any underwear.

Edwards: Did you help your wife write the lesbian porno novel?

Cheny: Who says "she" wrote it?

Edwards: You mean.....

Cheny: No one ever told you who really wrote that novel.

Edwards: They told me enough. They told be Lynn wrote it.

Cheny: No, I am the author of the lesbian porno novel.

Edwards: No. Thats not ture...thats impossible.

Moderator: (takes pistol and kills himself while the entire nation ignores him)

One last message from o'l Santa

It's been centuries since I set down the guidelines for presents and shit.
So here goes:

1. Be nice and you get a present
2. Be naughty and you get diddly and I don't mean Bo.
3. Now if you are nice but start blathering around about how physically impossible it is for me to deliver all this shit to people then you get nothing. It's my business how I get my fat ass down a fucking chimmeny. And I'm a magic man! Space-time don't mean squat to a Saint! Speed limits and weigh limitation of sleighs are for you mortal ass-munches to live with.
4. Cookies count. If you have been naughty, I'm not talking about getting into an ilegal war, but if you have been middle-of-the-road evil, you can buy your way out of it with decent cookies. And I don't want to see a piddlly plate of chips-ahoy. If you give me cheap cookies then I want a whole bag. Skim milk is for fags too. I am one fat bastard so I need the 4% whole-milk or even better a thick cup of Baily's Irish Cream. No Eggnog though, not unless you want Santa to spew all over your holiday décor. The smell of stale vomit is not generally condusive to holiday cheer.
5. One thing that has started to crop up is the use of digital video. Now I couldn't give less of a rip if you and your wife, or boy-toy, or dog want to get freaky in front of your camera. But I draw the line at using the DV camcorder to try and shoot me. Anyone trys to video tape me and I will wake them up and kick their ass. You ain't had a beating until a 300 pound imortal Saint wakes you up by beating you to a bloody pulp.
6. Ask for the right gift. Elves are pretty good at most toys but this technoligical revolution has really sucked for most of them. They want to built a dolly and they get an order for 10 million video game console and games. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train an elf to build a fucking X-box. So humor me and save elf lives by asking for wooden pull toys or a plush lion doll. If you want a computer or formula-1 race car the ndo us all a favor and go buy it yourself.

I hope not to see any of you later.

Santa!

Uncle George

Once upon a time there lived a family in a modest little house in the Middletown America. One day their uncle George came to visit. He was a kindly man. He was soft spoken, hard to understand at times due to a speech impediment, everyone liked him. He would visit and watch "the game" with pop, while chomping on Pretzels. Once he almost choked to death, but Pop saved him.

This day uncle George came with a big smile. In his back pocket was a giant wad of money. He looked at mom and pop, and the two kids and gave each one a brand new $50 bill.

"Wow" they all said. "Thanks uncle George. So what is the occasion?"

Uncle George winked and said "I have a whole bunch of stuff to do, with a whole bunch of my friends. But I thought I would stop by and show you how much I appreciate you'all."

Looking at the giant wad of cash, pop asked "So George what are you going to do with all that money?"

George stuffed it further down in his pocket and retorted, "Well its actually none of your damn business. But if you must know...."

Pop felt terrible about the inappropriate questions and apologized.
Uncle George said "Think nothing of it. I hope you'all enjoy your 50's. I'm off."

Two days later.....

Mom stormed into the kitchen in a panic. "Pop did you take out a home equity loan?"

Pop scratched his head, "No. Why?"

"Well somebody did. Now we owe an extra $100,000 to the bank. It'll take years to pay it off." Mom was irate.

Just then Uncle George walked in smiling. He had a fancy new suit, a fancy new car. He saw mom and pop all upset and asked what the problem was.

"Somebody borrowed all the equity out of our home. They just took the money. Who would do such a thing?" asked mom.

"Well actually it was....er....me. You see I had a whole lot to do and you'all had that money and well I just took it." George continued to smile.

------------

What would you do to Uncle George?

Well that is what George W Bush has done to you. He has hocked your social security to China, and given you a 50 or two to keep you from understanding that your have been swindled. He has given your money to his friends. It will take the rest of our lives to pay China back for all the debt he has saddled us with.

If he was my uncle I would have him arrested and sent to Prison. That is after I had beat him unconscious.

Bush Leadership!

Grand rhetoric is in short supply in the White House. Nation suffers from embargo on meaningful phrases. Scientists are urgently needed to discover new reserves of rhetoric now that our supply is dangerously low.

When asked by Bob Woodward about how he thinks posterity will judge his fighting the war on terrorism, our great leader President Bush responded "Who cares we'll all be dead."

1933 FDR "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

1960 Kennedy "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

2004 Bush "Who Cares We'll All Be Dead."

FEAR

Bush team uses old "cut their pay to gain their vote" strategy.

In keeping with Bush Administration guidelines on stupid people acting stupidly. Their new overtime policy comes into play at exactly the wrong time effecting the wrong people. Like their previous drug discount system, it's 364 pages of legalize is both confusing and fear inducing.

confidential Whitehouse source - "Our efforts to scare the b'jeezus out of the old folks worked so well that we are confident of further fear induction to those workers currently most likely to vote republican."

When asked if they worry about upwardly mobile people now facing pay reductions directly caused by the Bush Administration. Our sources say, "Currently the Presidents advisor on Federal Emergency Action Response "FEAR" is very busy thinking up new ways for the Administration to terrorize, scare, and generally annoy the American electorate. Our confidence in FEAR has never been higher."

The President was asked if he felt he had a mandate to do these kind of things. He responded by saying "Mandate? That sounds like someth'n a New Jersey governor would do. I have been happily married to my wife who has been, and continues to be the same woman. Not that homer sexuals will rot in hell though they probably will."

The Bush 04 team has more "ideas" in the pipeline before November.

1. Put on scary masks to scare children as they go back to school.
2. Admit that they don't have a clue about what will happen in Iraq.
3. Invade Iran with boyscout troops.
4. Repeal assault weapons ban so Presidential assassins get only the best weapons.
5. "Reform" the Social Security Administration by bombing it with JDAMs.
6. "Reform" the Constitution by using really big eraser.
7. Thank Vetrans by proclaiming September 1st Patton Day and then slapping all returning vets in the face.
8. Build gigantic wedgeshaped battle cruisers to "explore" Mars and make the solar system safe for democracy.
9. Open gates of Hell so all Imps and Deamons can have a "fair" chance at communicating their point of view.
10. Give God ultimatum on the whole "Rapture" business. Expert from Bush speech - "He must comply with our request for Rapture or we will enRapture Him."

In our next segment: Cheny! Zombi from beyond the grave? Or fat rich bastard that is totally clueless as to his utter unlikeability?

40

I am hovering near 40. The emotional portion of my brain wants my higher brain to be concerned about this. The higher brain is currently looking at the matter with bemusement and mild indifference. The totallity of me is in the middle. I still cling like most people to the illusion that I have at least half my life left. This is an illusion since there are now, and always have been, thousands of chances to get killed off. The longer you live on earth the greater the risk of you doing something stupid, running into someone stupid, or coming down with something stupid, and dying from it.

I go with Donna to estate sales. It is like you are part of the decay of the person that is dead, or in a nursing home. You are the scavenger picking through this persons life. The ski boots that were in style in 1972, the Johnny Cash albums whose jackets are weather beaten but whose disks are pristine, the furniture, jewelry, clothing, ect. The most poignent and saddest things are boxes of old photos. They are sold by the box. The photo's that seem to be worth selling are black and white. I have a BW photo of a man, probably from the 40's, that has been colorized. He is smiling and looking at the top of his game. He looks, in the photo, to be about my age now.

At some point all the stuff we have will go this way. Some will be passed down. Maybe. But most, after a generation, will lose meaning and my picture will be in a box for sale at some estate sale. The stuff we have now becomes an after image of us; the last things above ground that say we were here. One by one the artifacts lose context. When that context is gone the item is just another disconnected curiosity.

I have listened to people talk about midlife crisis. And told myself and others that this is not goning to be me. But I think there is some internal, animal response in all of us. It is the response that wills us into a vainglorious attempt to leave a mark, something solid, something that will last. It is a vainglory since we seek the impossible. We look out on the pyramids and think "well at least that guy left a mark...whoever he was" Even the pyramids were built at the command of shadows almost totally forgotten. In time the buildings themselves will disapear. My kids and any they have will be the things that say I was here. Everything else will go. In a thousand years there will be some dude writing stuff like this; he will not know me, or even have my name, but his existance will not have been possible without me.

So what is the point of all that? I have no idea. Just some thoughts.

Tales from Wyeast

I have a story to tell you. It relates to the old building I used to work in. You may be aware of a portion of this story.

I work nights for Ivey Imaging. About six months ago Ivey bought Wyeast color. In the dead of winter we moved out of our old building to the Studio facility in Milwaukie. The old building sat on the hillside below Pill Hill. Once a month I would be given a roster with film and chemistry inventory listed. This was my cue that inventory would have to be taken.

Wyeast, in its heyday, used a prodigious amount of film, paper, and chemistry. It was the largest photolab in the pacific northwest. With the advent of digital technology, less and less film was used. The 3rd floor, the floor where all the processing went on, was shut down in 1999. Wyest numbered its floors in reverse; first floor was sales and admin, second was production, and the basement was floor 3.

Before Wyeast had taken posession of the building it was the property of the Red Cross. Floor 3 contained massive freezer rooms where all of Oregon's blood supply was kept. The freezers were perfect for storing film. The freezers were climate controled behind thick airlock doors.

Taking inventory always gave me the creeps. You go down in the elevator and when the doors opened you were greeted with total darkness. You had to walk down a short corridor and turn the lights on. Even then only a few were swtiched on.

The place was a maze or huge processing machines, drying racks, and chemical containers. It smelled of fix and developer. Businesses are here to make money and when a portion of business is shut down it usually just sits there. The 3rd floor was no different. I always felt a bit like the Omega Man wandering around down there. Desks still had paper work on them, albeit from 1999.

The freezers were dark and humming away. Once you were inside you turned on the lights and it looked bright and happy. Though the creepiness factor was always there since one wall was lined with glass doors, much like a supermarkets freezer isle. Beyond them was more dark building.

Inventory usually took several hours. Before 1999 it could take days. I would sit on a rolling chair and take the tally.

The building around me would make all the noises old building make. But every once in a while you could here doors open, or even feet. I would tell myself that it was all going on on the 2nd floor. Once I even heard a sink turn on and off. Then there was the time a bank of lights all sparked at once and then shut off. Even on the 2nd floor I would turn on all the light, and crank the radio, to cover the bumps in the night.

I would not even bother to relate this stuff to you, but I came across an article in the Oregonian today that made things more clear and disturbing. You see the building inquestion was built in 1961 on property purchased from the City by the Red Cross. This city property contained cemetery #4. One of the oldest graveyards in the city. The story in the paper says that a title search done by the owners and neighborhood association, has determined that the city made no attempt at removal of the bodies. A specialist in pioneer cemeteries was called in and, using his euipment, found coffins 5 feet beneath the surface. Currently there are 120 coffins under and around the current structure. The only things the city moved were the headstones.

Epilogue: I guess this is not new to the City. According to Mr. Doering, the specialist. There are bodys under all sorts of developments. There are coffins under the sidewalk at SE 32nd and Main. Coffin removal was not really enforced by the City until the mid sixties.

Party Politically Broadcast

What follows is a party politically broadcast on behalf of the "really pissed off Americans that are sick of the giant trud Bush" party. Look here. I don't like the sounds of all these bonsentration bamps. I am not sure what sign I may have to so on my coat. Help me out on this. The nazis had the jews use the star of David. I think we should be forced to wear those big foam stadium fan-hands. But instead of the foam hand in a prepetual index-finer extention I think the middle finger should be extended. Sing this to America the Beautiful Oh mornful rightwing radio lies Spreading waves of searing pain For purple bruises and broken bones Our nations rep is slain! Amerika Amerika Bush has greatly shit on thee And on they hood his boot has stood and crushed our liberty!

Reasons to vote for Kerry:

• All the people who really know John Kerry are voting for John Kerry.
• All the people who really know George Bush are vorting for John Kerry.
• John Kerry's old staff stand by him and defend him.
• Bush's old staff write tell-all books about him denegrating him.
• Kerry was a rich kid who could have been a playboy and decided to volenteer for service.
• Bush was a rich kid who dodged his service, made excuses as to why he couldn't show up, and lived off his dad's money.
• Terrisa H Kerry spent her youth protesting apartide in South Africa.
• Laura Bush ran a stop light and killed her ex-boyfreind (who was riding in another car?!?!?)
• Kerry willingly put his life on the line for people he did not know.
• Bush willing put the lives of people he did not know on the line.
• Bush talks about being a Christian but does not practice his beliefs.
• Kerry does not talk about being a Christian but does practice his beliefs.
• Bush has no freinds oversees, no close contacts, no buddys.
• Kerry has numerous connections to people in power in other nations.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

My brain is now in the process of unscrewing the top of my head in hopes of flying to another planet not ruled by morons.

1) Bush is retarded. I can now honestly say that I do not wish retarded people to be the President. Not that retarded people have no place in society. I am destined to have retarded people as a President. My class of 1983 was governed by a retarded person (I am not kidding) However he did not have access to thermonuclear weapons.

Mr. Bush! Yes you. Call Rider and get the moving vans reserved. You and your bunch of empty headed, arch criminals need to get the fuck out of dodge. Sorry you will have to read this because I do not have time to draw you and your gang of mouth breathing, Vogons a picture book to follow. Just try not to accidently kill 40,000 people when you pack. You dumbass. However you nutballs have managed to make Reagan look smart. And you have been able to elevate that French sllimeball Chirac to the status of world leader. You guys really.........suck!

2) Kerry is not retarded but is promising a healthcare system that only retarded people would wish on themselves, or Hitler, or maybe even Bush.
Mr. Kerry! Yes you! YOU CANNOT HAVE A NATIONAL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM THAT CONTINUES TO UTILIZE INSURANCE COMPANIES!!!!!!!!!!! Stop smoking crack! The only system that will work is a NATIONALIZED SYSTEM!!!!!!! You pay taxes and it goes to pay doctors. Government commands doctors and hospitals to charge "X" for a procedure, pegged to inflation. Why "reform" healthcare so I can send tax money to Blue Cross and it's 100million dollar a year CEO? Get a grip you putz. And get us the hell out of Iraq!

3) Ralph Nadar is infact the largest egomaniac in this race. His total lack of belief in the American people is made manifest in his utter disregard for anyone in America other than himself.

Hey Ralph! If you want people who believe in progressive programs such as the ones you helped implement to actually start running things; stop running for President moron! Duh! If you were honsetly trying to change things you would stop masturbating for the Presidency and work to get your people into School boards, county treasurer positions, city council seats, and state legislatures. Then eventually, with an actual political structure based on people who actually are known to the electorate, you might seek out Senate seats or House seats, and maybe even a governors seat. This takes time and you will be either dead or too damn old to run. To a true progressive this would be okay. To you however this won't do because you see yourself as a Presdient. Get laid and chill out!

4) Osama Bin Laden is the only guy who shows any patience, planning, or an ability to get to know his enemy. And this is the rub of the matter. He spends 100,000 bucks and inflict a half billion dollars worth of damage and only 13 of his followers have to die. Bush spends 165 billion to hurt Bin Laden and his freinds and ends up killing 900+ GI's wounding some 8000 more. Who is winning the war? It's the same as that skinny wrinkled geazer HoChi Minn and his pajama wearing VC.

All I want is some normal person who has his/her head on his/her shoulders and not up some corporations bung cave; or up their own.

Cat story

I take the garbage down the driveway to the curb at 2am. The moon, 3/4 full, baths the fields and casts stark shadows. The leaves of the apple trees reflect moonshine from them in a slight breeze. It is utterly silent, bugs are asleep, frogs are fucked out and asleep in the ooze. If I make enough noise various dogs and coyote's will bark and or howl at me. Tonight I do not make enough noise, or maybe the dogs are too damn tired after a long hard day of sleeping, digging up old toys, and deciding where to take a dump.

The can I take down contains a very nasty brew. We missed last weeks pick up, or they missed us. Either way the contents of this container have stewed under multiple 100 degree days. It contains two rats, ten or more field mice. lilly white maggots coat the inside of the lid of the container. They are drinking on the condensation caused by all the fermenting yuck. I have, because I am not a cave man, stealthily used a bunggy cord to keep the lid on. I do this so that I do not have to smell it and so that all the large animals big enough to take down a garbage can, don't have an evening feast on said yuck.

The latter has happened in the past I cannot convey to you my attitude slide, upon seeing all that decomposing, slime covered, maggot infested, crap spread all over the street. I most closely resemble Samuel L Jackson cleaning up the car in Pulp Fiction. I'm the Guns of the Navarone.
Anyway tonight I set the can at ease and turn to go up the driveway when I see her. Shelia the expatriate cat. Sitting sprawled out on the driveway meeting with Blanche another of our cats. Blanche looks up and wanders off as if to say "well you too have catching up to do I will leave you alone."

I have not seen Shelia in weeks. She just vanished. In our area coyote come in and snack on cats and small dogs all the time. They are just part of the food chain. So when I see her and determine that she is alive and well I am happy, call to her, and scoop her up.

Shelia always enjoyed the top honors at the house. She slept on our bed, got to be inside whenever she wanted. She had hopped into our minivan at the grade school when she was very small. She was the "Queen". Then she grew up and learned to hunt like all the others. She would go out for no more than a day at a time. Then two weeks ago she vanished. She normally would make quite a noise at our door to get in at night; now nothing. She would come if she heard food being poured into the dish: now nothing.

Now her she was. As I walk up the driveway I talk to her in the typical baby talk crap that humans use. At the top of the driveway Shelia looks deep into my eyes with her own deep yellow eyes and hisses like the Queen Alien at me. Being not too sentimental about all the cats we have, I drop her at once.

In the house I tell Donna that the Queen is home and she goes out to get the cat. In a minute or to Shelia is in the house. She paces the floor like a lioness. She spits and hisses like a totally wild animal. However she is also evidently conflicted. When Donna holds her she spits and hisses then goes to cleaning Donna's hand with her tounge. After a bit of cleaning there is another bit of hissing and the cat is up running around trying to get out.

We decide to sit down and watch TV, which is in possible at 2am since there is almost nothing on. The cat paces infront of us both hissing, groweling, showing no fear. Finally we let her out.

The queens has gone native. All those lovey dovey cats and dogs are always only a few days from being wild. Shelia can get all she needs from her surroundings. She doesn't need us. And the longer she is away the less she see herself as a kitten. I have heard that most house pets are always in either the kitten mode or the puppy mode. They never really grow up. Well this cat is grown up.

She is acting toward us now the same way Blanche, the other cat, and her duaghter Alba act toward each other. If they come close they will growl, spit, and swipe. Then go to cleaning each other abit. Then right back to hissing. They are parting too. The difference with them is that they both see us as parents. To us they both still act like kittens. Shelia is moving beyond that.

On the porch Sophia, Blanch and Alba are eating an evening meal at the food bowl. They see Shelia and make room for her. She goes to feed then growls at them. They all move away. She eats by herself. Then goes down the stairs and is gone in the night. This is very easy since she is almost totally black.

On the rail sit Cupcake, a totally inappropirately named famele cat and Whisky, an appropriately named male cat. They have been here since before we got here. They are fat on rabbits. They watch Shelia go. Then they go to. "The humans on the other side of the road have mowed their field. No place for the rodents to hide! Lets eat!"
Alba the baby and Sophia, her grandma, curl up on a mat and go to sleep. Blanche goes down to the street too "Maybe I can get the bunggy cord off.!

Alien: Quadrilogy

Well for the first time in a long while I have partaken in the complete Alien Quadrilogy. The NINE disc DVD set is mindboggling. After the whole hideous thing I have come to some conclusions about the Alien

1. What makes the original scary:
   The unkowability of the creature in all its various nasty forms, the low key performances, the non-heroic nature of most all the cast.
2. What makes the other movies not very scary:

The more the story teller trys to pigeonhole the alien into the insect catagory the less scary it is. By the end of the second film the aliens aren't very alien. By the end of the 4rth movie it was all just a graphic novel on screen. The whole bio-weapons aspect was beaten to death. The governement conspiracy was beaten to death. Ripley should have been beatn to death.

Studio concocktions suck. The three films that followed Alien were very much different in that they have the polished feel of a 'studio" picuture. They give us what they think we "want" to see or "expect" to see; hence the totally predictable plot, the same schtick. The original Alien went out of its way to give us something that we didn't expect and really didn't want to see (until we saw it and couldn't get enough of it)

I am really sick of being shoveled shit that some studio dickwad thinks I want. And this is, to me, the holy grail of movies. All the best films we love were made to surprise us and for the cheif benefit of the filmakers. All the worst films I hate are the ones who try to give me a formula that has worked in the past and is as surprising as finding out in the morning that the sun is rising in the east.

I am sure that LOTR will spawn other films that will be handsomely crafted, of great length telling us nothing we haven't seen before. I like the concept of doing a multi-movie series all at once. It forces the filmaker to take a big risk. To shoot one movie and have it bomb is bad, but to do three? I also forces some continutiy into the storyline and allows for less "hmm? How do I reconcile this problem?" from going on. I would dread another episode in LOTR. Of course it is out of my hands. Tolkien didn't wan't Retun of the King to be called that since he felt it gave away the ending. But it too was out of his hands. Those that create are at the mercy of those that distribute. I don't, as a matter of course, want to put the creators on a pedistal. Look at poor Dan O'Bannon, he scored big in 79' and that was it for him. And George Lucas owes his wad to Gary Kurtz more than to his own "genius" It is odd that the as the SW films have progress he has gotten to have more and more control!?!!?

Filmakers should stay away from "the making of"s I used to like the idea but really it cheapens the film itself and the movies become...well...movies instead of emotional experiences. I don't want to know about the building of Theodan's palace or that of Helm's deep in a rock quarry. After you read a good book you don't want to know if the author wrote it in his underwear.
The Alien DVD's have tons of extra stuff that is all cool and interesting. The volume of the extra stuff undoubtedly exeeds the lengths of all the films combined.

Sponge

What about sea-sponge? True it is not bipedal but they are unobtrusive and get along well with others. I've never heard of a sea spunge getting involved with "the wrong crowd". I also think that it is a safe bet that no sea spunge has ever been convicted of a crime.

Alpha Omega

"What in the?"

"Ah!!!!!!!!!!"

Crash!

The dog turd hit the ground and rolled to one side. "Now what?" It thought.

An hour passed and the turd took note of its surroundings. Grass, blue sky, trees blowing in a gentle breeze. "This is the life!" thought the turd. "Just kick'n it on the lawn."

After a day in the sun the turd began to lose it's luster. "Damn. I'm gettn dried out. Hey! Whats a turnd gotta do to get a drink around here?" There was no answer.

Then a huge bi-ped walked over and took a shovel and scooped the turd up. The bi-ped dumped it into a sack and tossed it into the garbage can.

The end.

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

I have massive production artist envy. I gush at the emensity of all the cool brick-a-brack that people had to do to bring this beheamoth off. Me like the movie. Me really like the movie. Finally somebody poured a can of Wup-ass into the Jedi food bag. Acting is still pretty stilted, but far better than SWI. It is fitting that Jar Jar Binks, as I forsaw, would spell the doom of the Republic. It is ironic that the entire destruction of a civilization could be tracked to that watery fart smeller.

Best part of the movie:
Yoda kick'n sith butt. No medi-chlorian crap

Worst part of the movie:
The credits. They came too quickly

Biggest Question:
"Years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in our struggle against the Empire....." Father? Well it certainly ain't the big DV. So Amidala must end up shacking up with the king of Alderan. And pretty damn soon after the intital coitus with AS that lead to the twins. Boy that is really going to piss Anakin off.

Suspension of disblief required for this movie: (1-10) 8.5
Coolness Factor: (1-10) 9.95
Character quality: (1-10) 7
Story quality: (1-10) 8.5
Want-to-see-it-again-factor (1-10) 10
Overall: 8.79 out of a possible 10

Hlaf-Life: The show so far

So the clumsy Mr. Freeman finally gets up the stinking ladder. He tosses a grenade and goes through the hole. Bang bang bang and the bad guys are dead. He sneaks up to a broken girder and puts a dart in the head of each of two thugs who want to kill him. He jumps his way across some busted shit and send another two thugs to Valhalla. Then he is at this silly landing pad thing with this Ospray that comes down and starts dropping more thugs. He caps both dudes then drops a demo pack and runs for cover. The osprey comes in again and just as the two slimes touch down they are blasted to jelly. Now Freeman finds this cannon and blows open a door.

Q: How much more of this poop is there?

The Cave

To: Osama

From: Cave Clan

Chill out and loosen the diaper on your head! Nobody took your stupid crackers. Can you say "Rat Infestation"? It's gotten so bad that Wakeem made a cell phone call to Termenix. Suffice to say the rats at that end of the tunnel are history. Of course that wasn't due to the Termenix people but to 2 15,000 pound daisy cutters!

Important notice: I know this sounds like beating a dead horse but please refrain from using the cell phone. The great Satan can pick up calls on his radio. Even calls to exterminators. Tin can and string is still okay.

Back at ya

The Clan of the Cave

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings

Okay boys here is the review of Lord of the Rings:

The Lord of the Rings is a technically brilliant film, eye-candy equal to all sorts of other big-ass films. Dramatically the film is good too. I like Frodo and Gandalf, and especially Bilbo. I liked the wood elf queen lady too, only because she was the scariest thing in the
film....BUT:

The human characters were nearly all stereotypical. They were unshaven, and almost all uninteresting. Unlike Star Wars Episode-I, where I wanted the non-humans to get the hell off the screen before Iblew chunks. Lord of the rings made me want to see more of the creatures and less of the angst filled Lucy decendants.

I can't wait to see the next film!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a 7. I will give it more points when the next film comes out. Until then I am holding them hostage.

Darwin award nominee 2001

I nominate Osama bin Hide'n...er...Laden

I would wager he will be dead before the year is out. He desreves the Hitler trophy for suicide since he will go down in the history of the new 21st century as committing suicide by pointing a super power at his head and pulling the trigger. His death will also be one of the most expensive suicides in history. Though on a per/capita basis Hitler still reigns supreme as the committer of the most expensive suicide.

Making more fun of Osama:
Osama is a master of disguises as well as a master of...well... I guess being a cave man.

Currently he is in the guise of Osama bin Hide'n, though he has been spotted as Osama bin Run'n, General Frank suspects he will soon take on the persona of Osama bin Bleed'n followed by Osama bin Die'n. Later on he may apear as Osma bin Rotten and finally, in the future. he will be known as Osama bin Forgotten.

A Knight's Tale

Comparing this to it's romanesque counterpart "Gladiator" I would have to say that this films was much.....

Well it wasn't as artsy-fartsy. It wasn't a drama. It wasn't particularly well acted. It had an appallingly simple story.

In short it kicked Gladiator's sinewy buttocks. Gladiator is a ponderous, meledramatic, old movie copying, cliche' battle scene, gumbo of doom. A Knight's Tale is a funny, exicting, fastpaced, doesn't take itself seriously at all, chutney of sublimity. I thought the use of Queen in the opening joust scene was superb. I thought "this is actually going to make me laugh."

A Knight's Tale is right up there with the original Robin Hood, Robin And Marion, Henry V (both versions), and Beckett as grand medieval films.

Another film that could be showhorned into this lot is the Thirteenth Warrior. This film was another pleasant surprise.

The Amazing Mezmo

From T.A. Mezmo
TO: Friends
RE: New Vice President
Mezmo speaks the future:

Dick Chenny will resign in less than six months.
John Ashcroft, former senator who lost to a dead guy, and current Attorney General, will be chosen to succeed him.

Moral? If you are so unpopular that you can loose an election to a dead man you too can be Vice President.

Potential? If Bush needs to be replaced, say because the helium ballon that is his head comes undone from his body and floats away, then the looser to a dead guy will be President.

I love dis' Country!

Dufus is...well a dufus...but there is hope

George "let me be the Hurbert Hoover of my generation" Bush has just handed his buddys more doe to waste. At least we married couples get a break too...right???? A reduction in the so called marriage penalty won't take effect until 2011. In fact most of the tax cut that would benefit the most tax payers won't happen until the BIG DUFUS isn't even in office; as if that guy would get elected again. Oh sure we all will get a little check, big deal. The only thing keeping me from vomiting every time I see the, illiterate, verbally disfunctional, simple minded cobb-salad head, is that his energy policy will cause the good ol' US to throw him and his fellow cobb-salad heads out on their ears. Please note that all the people with any amount of brain power in DC are stepping, quickly, away from this dude. McCain, for instance, sees the 16 ton weight hurtling toward Bush's head. Jeffords is already gone. Only the blind Trent Lott and his ilk, like automatons, are robotically receiting the useless mantra of their dead religion. On the foreign policy front the Dufus is on his way to another Palestinian train wreak. With no agreement in hand, and a cease fire that isn't really happening, his team is going to try and stop the violence in the mideast. Sure they are. I really hope this dude doesn't get us in a war. It may just be paranoia but look what the dufus has been able to accomplish in such a short time. Nuclear destablization due to his uncoherrent and disjointed attempt at a missle defense sheild. Ignoring Russian economic problems (5,000 nukes and thousands of tons of bio and chem war agents up for grabs). Alienation of US military by keeping them out of the decision making process. Alienation of NATO by claiming, ignorantly, that US is sholdering the brunt of Balkan burden and will pull out. Alienation of UN by his party's unwillingess to pay our dues, causing the US to be ousted from the Human Rights Commission. All I can say is that if a Democrat was responsible for all the bull shit that the Dufus has done there would be more impeachment hearings.

On a good note the state of Washington's supreme court decided that it can still have an open primary. This is good since it might prove to be a precident for other states to become open. The importance of this should not be underestimated. If all states had had open primaries in the last general election we might be talking about what President McCain is doing instead of Dufus. Aside from financial reform the biggest hinderance to thrid parties and or outsiders is the closed primary where, as a voter, you are mandated to vote for only members of your own party. With an open Primary you can vote for who you want. Closed primaries benefit big party politics. With soft money reform a small victory can be acheived but we really need electoral reform to bring about a fairer system that is more truely representative of the will ofthe people.

As far as JM is concerned the last six months should leave little doubt as to who is the more politically astute. Acting as if he had won the presidency with a mandate for reform JM quickly assembled a winning coalition to move finance reform through congress. Relegating the Bush supporting conservatives to the sidelines, JM has pointed the spotlight squarly on himself and his agenda and now Dufus will have to pony up. Who is courting the Democratic Leadership? Who is the one man Bush seems to have to have in order to advance any of his agenda? God I wish the US would have got this guy as the President. If Bush is a Hoover wating to happen the J McCain is a Roosevelt. Remember that ol' FDR, that consumate political gamester, the guy that owned the smoke filled room, was a republican right up untill the time he ran for President.
PS: Angienva@aol.com thank you for all the info and keeping us McCain supporters together. I have forwarded all your mail to Donna, my wife.

Earth future

Using the concept that the entire universe (meaning all that is) is basically a giant fractal equation I predict the following for the future of the Earth.

What is the Earth? This is a question that many people just don't ask. They, in my opinion, wrongfully call the Earth a rock, a planet, or simply a body floating in space. I think this is a wrong description. That description, if accepted as a true and complete answer to the question, sets us on a very wrong course for defining our roll in the cosmos. Remember the universe is a fractal, at least in my own mind. That is if you look at all its parts it basically resembles all its other parts. You cannot really get to the "fundemental foundation" of the cosmos since it doesn't exists only an ever deepening fractal rabit hole.

What is the Earth? The Earth is a life form, not a planet. It has come into existance through cosmological procreation and has gestated for 4.5 billion years. It started as a signle cell life form. It went through a state of non-self awareness where all the cells developed, multiplied,
developed specilaization. It is a not a prepetual motion machine but it is very good at existance. Certain cells provide oxygen so that the other cells can exist and do their work. Other cells provide a caloric source for self absorbtion. Imagine that you only ever needed to eat once. Then you live only off your fat cells. Same concept. Earth was born with all the nutrients it needed to keep going for a very long life span. As with any life form the central nervous system and becoming self aware is the last stage prior to birth. Quite recently the Earth has become aware of it's own existance and is now pondering what it is for. At the moment it is wrong in its assumption but that is only a momentary lapse in judgement. Its nervous system is still trying to define it's existance relative to the body inwhich it lives.

As a fetus the Earth is aware of itself, but unware of the outside world. It has no idea of the future that awaits it. I predict that the Earth will be born into a larger cosmos and will have to mate with another life form such as itself in order to breed. The qeustion is where Earth lies in the larger lifefrom? Is it, like a bryne shrimp destined to be a fat cell in the cosmos? Only to be utilized as food. Or is Earth, once self aware, part of a larger cosmological nervous system? How this breeding occurs is open to conjecture. It cannot be denied that it is self aware. This being agreed to the fractal equivalent is a higher life form on Earth. Plants are life forms but they are not selfaware so we cannot use that part of the fractal equation as a guide to what the earth is. But the Earth could be the fractal equivalent of any animal with a central nervsous system. Is it a Brine Shrimp or a Human? Is it going to be used, like fat cell, or is it going to be used to define the cosmo's existance in a greater, and as yet unkown, creation.

Just some thought by a weirdo

SW II

From Yoda:
Bust a gut, I do, laughing at your mirth
As old as time I may already be. But Christopher Lee too is as old.
Check out the paste-job of his head on young punks body as he does his Jedi break-dance.

From Jar Jar:
Mee-sa been promoted to Grand Moff Yes-man of the soon-to-be emperor.
Lucas says hee'sa gonna clone me into the imperial crowd in Return of the Jedi.

From Anakin "Cry"walker:
Didn't you get it?!? Nobody understands my character!?! I am the chosen one! No I'm not I am full of pain because my little braided hair thingy is too tight. My eyebrow ridge is huge too. Is that a pimple on my nose?! Ah Fuck! Where's Amidala I gotta bone her. Oh no!
Now I have an erection at an inoportune time!?!? Ahhhhhhhhh I'm so confused! And to top it off I got my right arm cut off. Now How am I gonna....never mind.

From Obi Wan:
Shut up young one. You make me want to hurl. I, on th other hand, look like way more like a stud muffin in SW2. Though I think I need a tie- dye head band. Peace man!

From Palpatine:
I am evil be my boy toy! You know the only reason I am evil is that I havn't got any since...

Shmee:
At least my death seen lasted longer that Yoda's

Yoda Again:
A dumb desert scank, you are. My death scene? Significant it was.

Shmee:
At least I was a real person you silly wrinkled Kermit frog.

Amidala:
I'm not really into the whole "Star Wars" thing. I just do it for the money. Kinda like Alec Guiness.

Alec Guiness:
Don't compare yourself to me you American slack-ass.

R2D2:
Beep Pong Twitter

Translation: I'm a fk'n millionair and I have never had to speak a single line. I rule!

C3P0:
I seem to live a very circular life. Tatooine, space battles, back to Tatooine, space battles...Do you notice that when R2 gets shot he never just explodes, doesn't even loose a leg. Me? I loose feet, arms, my head...all the friggin time!

Boba Fett:
I am a puddgy faced kid!!!!!! Too much 4% milk.

Lord Dooku:
I kicked ass in Lord of the Rings and again in SW2. Pretty good for a guy who's older than most of the cast combined.

Smoke Hole

Say I found a real cool thing out about my property! I was covering up a pile of compost and turned around to see a smoking hole in the ground. I thought "hmmm? Firey opening to Satans bedchamber? Or severed burning power line?" I bent over to look at the little volcano to find a cable as fat as my thumb molten in color and smoking as the rain hit it. It was expertly placed so that a barefoot human could step on it.

I called PGE. They came out, four guys in red coveralls and gloves and hats, two trucks. The foreman scratched his head. "Yeah thats a big fat killer that is. Look at this thing Frank (name changed). " Frank, "Damn. So wheres it connected to?" Frank asked me. I told him it was connected, so I guessed, tothe barn braker box. They went over to shut it off.

"I already shut that off." I said.
Frank walked over anyway, checked the box, "Say this is already off."
"Yeah I shut it off when I noticed the smoking hole." I said.
"Did you turn this off?" Asked Frank.
"Yes." I said through cleanched teeth.
"Well Thats a good thing. But why is that line still hot?" Frank said.
"I''d say it's probably bypassed. Thats not good. You'll have to take the box apart and removed the wire that way." The foreman said.
"Me?" I asked.
"We only cover the line to the box. This hear line is your own private line." Foreman said with whimsy."

So I get to have a burning hole that can kill you in my yard until I get a private contractor out here? That doesn't sound good to me." i say. Foreman twiddles his waxed mustache and scratches his head, crotch scratching would be pointless in the heavy coveralls. He walked over to the breaker box and flipped another switch, one that was too hot for me to want to touch. The line went dead. PGE squad then left me standing in the gloomy twilight as the rain came down andthe cable steamed to a cold state.

Back in the kitchen, after a dinner of cold pizza and beer (actually it was pepsi but I wish I had a beer at the time) I dug through my evergrowing pile of home owner bull shit paper and found my home warrenty. "Electrical?" I thought. Did it say anything aobut it? Yep! I called the number and was informed that the call would be monitored for quality assurence. What the fuck does that mean. If I don't like the call will some champion of customer service jump onthe line and send the offending rep to the indernal regions? Who could say.

Early in the day, on NPR, I listend to a story about call-centers being relocated to Bangalore India. The empolyees study American accents so they can speak without sounding like their from the sub-continent. I only bring this up since the lady I talked to was difinitely from that region.

I gave her my policy nuimber and then described the problem. " Found this severed power cable in my yard....smoking .....and PGE say it could deliver a leathal dose of electrcity. yada yada yada..."
"Is the electrical line on the inside of your home?" She asked with only a hint of an accent.
I sigh, "No its in the yard."
"It is not inside the home?" She asked.
"My yard is not inside the home no." I said with slight sarcasm, but more with sense of gloom that I belong to such a race of troglidites. How in the hell did we ever get to the moon? Or figure out how to procreate? or breathe?
"Well if the line is not in the home then it is not covered by your policy." She said.
"Okay." I said with extreme minimalism.
"Thank you call again." Said Ms. Napahasapanalan. (not her real name or what she realy said.)

So now I have to pay some jerk to come and disconnect this stinking cable. Some butt-crak showing swine with a pension plan that will allow him to retire to his vacation home on Bermuda. Some fat slob who's gonna get 35$ bucks of my money just for opening his truck door and stepping onto my land. It sucks. The last electrician te be on my land, a slob I didn't haveto pay, was named Tiny. He drove a brand new Lincoln Navigator, had a huge gold wrist band and wore dark glasses like Sam Giancona. He could have been an extra in any one of a number of Gangster flicks.

I think, "Should I call Tiny?" I can envision the conversation this way:
Tiny, "So...tough guy...wah-chu need."
Me relating the cable story yet again.
Tiny, "That cable? Forget-about-it. It's like, you know, it never happened. No trace, no cable, no nothen."
Me. "What will it cost?"
Tiny, "For you? I'l make you an offer you can't refuse............"

Supreme court is full of poop.

Clarence "uncle" Thomas wrote for the majority that pot used for medicinal purposes can't happen. What a bunch of poop-heads. My doctor can perscribe me a bottle of demeral that could kill an elephant but he cant perscribe canabis that hasn't killed anybody. Canabis, unlike codine, valum etc, will cut the pain wiithout putting you to sleep. You may want to eat fifty tacos, but that ain't a bad thing if your under-wieght do to your illness. I guess its more important to those moralistic nazi fuckheads to let people live in pain and suffering so that they can fight their bogus war on drugs. To quote W.S. Burroughs "thanks for a nation of finks where know one's alowed to mind his own business."

While those ivory towered dickwads drink their cognac (a bottle of which is enough to kill some people) they can rest assured that people will live out their lives either doped into delirium or in agony. Thanks morons.

Lowest Common Denominator Continues To Plummet

Perchance did you see the Frontline program on Tuesday? It documented pretty much what the Onion was talking about. They had examples of the current level of sludge being pumped into the empty heads of our youth. I don't know what was more nausiating, the clips of such events as "Poop Diving", a show where a guy dons a snorkle and mask and jumps into a sewage treatment pond, or the neck-tied scum bags who will litterally put anyting on tv for a buck, trying to justify their existance.

I want to poke another hole inthe flimsy Dufus machine

Dufus wants a missle defense system. The question that nobody in the media or alive on earth seems to want to ask is why? Why have it? If the answer is to protect against small nuke states like Iraq then the system is not needed since no nation, no matter how idiological or extreme, is goingto accept itself being completely wiped from existance. A missle would be the stupidest way to deliver a nuke to the US. A missle is traceable. We would know exactly where it came from and take the appropriate, if terrible, action of destroying the offending nation. In otherwords Iraq would have to be led by complete idiots and as much as we would like to think we live in a cardboard world we do not. It would be national suicide to launch a missle at the US. No nation is going to do that. So what is the other answer to that question? To prevent a full scale strike by a large nuke power? Well lets say that the, for lack of a better term, Nuclear Bush, that we deploy is 99% effective at catching all incoming missles. That's a pretty effective system. I can't imagine a globally based system of anything being 99% effective but lets pretend. For some reason, that I can't imagine, Russia fires a full scale strike on the US and Europe. Thats about 2000 missles. The Nuclear Bush catches 1980 missles! Holy cow that is effective! Bush is vindicated! The system works flawlessly! Only 1% of the nukes make it through! This means total destruction and pretty much the end of the world, as far as humans are concerned. That 1% can pack up to 200 H-bombs. Remeber the multi-cluster warhead? Thats 10 H-bombs per missles. The US will take 175 and Europe 25 direct hits from 100 megaton H-bombs. Does any rational person think that we, as a nation, could survive being hit with that much firepower? That 1 % Is more than enough to totally wipe out every major American and European city. And lets not forget the 7000 nukes that we fire at the ol Russians and the other dudes we don't like. Closing time for the human race. A missle defense is not needed to contain the threat form little powers and is useless against super powers. I don't think the Dufus is that dumb. I think he's doing this to provide much needed boondoggle projects for General Dynamics, Lockheed/Martin, and the other players in the offense industry. One thing the missle Bush will do effectively is make Russia and any other power with semi large arsenal think about making it larger. The best counter to a expensive US missle Bush is a lot of cheap missles with as many warheads on them as possible. I really can't stand this jerk of a President. Oh to have the leacherous scumbag back in the white House or hell bring back Nixon! I can't see how destablizing asia with his nonsensical China policy and putting in jepoardy 30 years of nuclear treaties is helping make the world safe for anything. Besides the easiest way to do nuclear damage to the US is to ship a bomb in on a boat and blow it up in a harbor. Or ship in the parts and assmble it in an Apartment building. Missles are expensive, for poor terrorists, and big and hard to hide. They are traceable. Stick fon on a boat or in a van, it's way cheaprer. Once it goes off it automatically erases all traces of where it came form. Who would do we retalliate against? "Oh come on own up! Who did that?" Defending against that is something we need to be working on. Not some floating fart gas missle-bush.

We are idiots

Human beings are pretty much organic tape machines. We hear something and then play it back over and over again. Unlike a tape or CD we tend to garble the play back so, after main iterations the message is almost unitelligable. Such as this:

Original message: John's Dog has flees

Repitition: This guy I knows dog has flees

Repitiion2: That guys freinds dog has flees on its nose.

Repitition3: You know that reminds me, Johns got some flee bights on his nose too.

Repitition4: Flees tend to hang out on the noses of dogs and people. They like it (poor content being embelished with made up information)

Repitition 999: Today Congress has enacted landmark legislation banning certain types of chemicals thought to bring flee born viruses to the nasal cavity.

I listen to people talking to each other at work and I can tell if they are getting their info form a tv show. Most people try to pass off this info as some deep college induced knowledge that they had to struggled to attain. They spout off about all sort of shit. Experts on the Cuban missle crisis and Jazz abound. Funning thing is that the experts usually change their area of expertise just about a week after the latest round of PBS or Hitler Channel documentaries. If I bring up some other topic that hasn't been on tv inthe past week people get that 1000 yard stare and search their tv memory banks for info they don't have. If your going to talk about something you've seen on tv then just say so. Instead of trying to co-opt Ken Burns.

Worst Actor of the Universe Awards

What do I mean by that? The universe is somewhere between 15 and 20 billion years old. That is kind of a long time. In that time period certain actors have arisen that should never have been allowed to be on the silver screen. I do not consider the masses of lesser known actors and bit players. Only those that, through some fantastic failure in cinematic judgment, were allowed to play leading or semi leading roles in films tht were widely distributed. And there are many of them that have strove to rise to the level of worst actor i nthe history of the universe. I am sure that there are countless billions of other lifeforms that too have nasty thespians who should be squashed under 16 ton weights, but I can only concern myself with those that belong to the Homosapiens of Earth.

So without further mumbo jumbo here he is for all to recoil from and vomit at:

Joe Don Baker has no business being affilated with Humanity. In truth Humanity and the planet Earth itself should distance themselves from this being. No selfrespecting planet, solor system, or for that matter galaxy, should be seen in the company of this puffy, bejoweld, no-talent back-woods, banjo piken, shit hearder. Who or what in the name of all that is holy decided to heave this stinking pile of actor onto the breast of comely humantiy. Thankfully others of my race have taken up the standard and they too fight to keep this 220 pound rack of fatback off the screen and in the spotlight of denegration and woe. MST3K has done much to redeme the Earth and Milkyway with their constant attempts to further denigrate this macabre assemblige of san-talented idiocy. Yet they are now gone to the rerun-yard. Please don't let this pox and blight on the good name of Earth go un faught against. Do whatever you can to let the universe know that you too think JDB should be eradicated.

Joe Don Baker Porkapalooza!

More Megalomaniac concepts

Fright: This is a funciton of how feared your troops are. If the enemy is in Fright of you they will drop their weapons and run screaming from the field. They will abandon castles, town centers, they will "run away!" Like lemings, if faced with the sea they will rather drown than end up at your mercy. Certain kingdoms may be unable to be in fright of you should they be in a babarian state. You can even stop a war between to kingdoms by simply sending in your forces.If both kingdoms are in fear of you they will stop attacking each other and go back to a nuetral stance.

I was also toying with the idea of marriage. Medieval times were the high tide of marriage diplomacy. I think that you could secure an allied stance with a kingdom if you offer marriage to the other sides princess or prince. Of course you would not want a stupid allience. You would want a marriage based on the largest dowery you could take hold of. You personal glory rating would impact what king would be willingto offer his daughter to you for such a purpose. This Queen would be an NPC stationed at your captial town or imperial city. If she died then the kingdom from whence she came would go back to the previous status. You can marry as often as you need. However you cannot kill your wife or divorce her. This also brings up the subject of heirs. If you produce an heir and that npc is 21 years of age or older upon your death then there is no civil war and that heir will inheirit all your personal status unlike a chosen succesor who will use it's own status upon your death.

Texas crap

This is a colossal waste of money, time, and manpower: I want to know how much it cost the illustrious state of Texas to get their 50$ fine?

Atwater was driving her two children home from soccer practice in 1997 in Lago Vista, Texas, when she was stopped by a police officer who had noticed the three were not wearing seat belts. Texas law allows police to make arrests for routine traffic violations, except for speeding. The officer arrested Atwater, handcuffed her hands behind her back and took her to the city police station. A friend looked after her children and her pickup truck was towed away. Atwater's mug shot was taken and she was released after posting bond. She later pleaded no contest to the seat belt offense and paid the maximum $50 fine.

I assume the trooper is making about 45 to 50 k a year so he's pulling in around 20 bucks an hour. You have the police personel who took the mug shots, Then you have the court personel to do the paper work. I think that it cost way more money than 50 dollars to harras this woman. Oh yes lets not forget the amount of money spent bucking this case all the way to the United States Supreme court!!!! Admittedly she should have had her kids seat belted in the car. but that is not the point. Not even close to the point. We have really screwed up priorities if this is an arresting offense. This country is screwed up. Our whole neighborhood couldn't oust a drug dealer from a house up the street yet we have the money to arrest soccer moms. You can drive 100 miles an hour and get a ticket and go on your way, but not where a seat belt and your in the slammer. What a load of
crap.

The dufus hard at work pleasing the chinese

After pretending to act tough we now know how the big dufus was able to get the flight crew out of China. He caved on the sale of destroyers to Taiwan. So any time China wants to tell us what to do all they have to do is take some hostages? Way to go Mr. President! If Clinton did this he'd be up on impeachment charges again. As much as I think Clinton was a scum bag, and I disagreed with his China Policy of trade and look the otherway, at least he never bent over for China. I am so very glad that we have a strong leader in the White House. I only pray that he is not the Nevil Chamberlain of our time.

Orders and stuff for Megalomaniac

Sea born commands:

The Admiralty: Kings Lord Admiral is an npc that is available as soon as you are king. Like generals an Admiral can control a fleet of ships of any size and can be given commands to carry out. They can also be chosen to succeed as emperor.

Admiral level commands: Take fleet X and attack Y until Y has recieved Z% damage. Take fleet X and blockade port or town Y for Z weeks or months.
Take fleet X and patrol sea sinking all enemy ships rebuilding ships as required etc.

You have all the AofE commands plus several others. You can garrison troops on any vessal. You can order warships to blockade a harbor. If a ship in a blockade is sunk another one is built by the admiralty and sent to fill it's place. Ramming is another order. Ramming is not an order that does the ramming ship any good but will 100% sink an enemy vessal if the rammed vessal is equal or lesser in size than the ramming ship. You can outfit any ship with a steel ram. This can give the ship the ability to ram two ships before itself sinks due to damage.

Nasty things that can happen to your kingdom:

Famine: Everyonce in a while the crops will fail and when they do all work stops. Nothing can be constructed and the population falls by 10%. Famine is an equal opportunity killer in this game.

Plague: Not good at all. It can start in any TC and spread to adjacent buildings and people. Trade carts canbring it to other towns and ports. Ships can take it to other kingdoms. It is technically possible to kill off the entire population including solders and even you. People stop working turn sickly green for a few days then keel over. Nothing can be done but burn the infected structures down, sink ships, raze castles, etc.

Draconian measures must be taken. Quarentining the infected to isolated areas unitl they die is a good thing. Burning down infect structures, greek fireing groups of the sick. As your empire improves global civilization the chance of plagure breaking out gets slimmer and slimmer.
bizzare yet cool orders you can give to the entire population;

Once you are emperor you can give Edicts. And Edict has an effect on all the population of the kingdom recieving the Edict. You can quickly tell a kingdom to go on crusade. When and entire kingdom is told to go on crusade it mobilze all of it's inhabitents to go and attack the kngdom that is labeled as infidel. Once orderedthe kingdom will put all it's resouirces into troop creation and offensive millitarty action and all the civilians become skirmishers. This is a powerful command but can have dire consequences if it fails.

Megalomaniac even more devilish stuff

Capital city: This can be any town you have under your control provided that it has a Market, Church, Castle, and Town Center. Usually the largest city under your control will be the likely candidate. This function is allowed as soon as you are made king. The capital city becomes the imperial capital when you are made emperor. The capital city gets some automatic defensive advantages to a normal town. It automatically gets a wall around and paved streets at no cost to you. When defending the capital your troops will get a bonus on damage. The bonus on damage does not apply to mercinary forces. Once you town is made a capital it's church becomes the ecclisiastical center of your kingdom and any the first priest there or created is the bishop.

Road: These greatly increase your ability to move troops and goods to other town and regions. Speed is dubbled on roads. There are three types of roads. The dirt pathc is what is first available to you. It increases movement by 10%. The leveled path increases movement by 25%. The stone road increases movement by 50%. In order to build roads and bridges you need a royal architect, yet another npc. These are created in church schools. You need to have at least one to make any roads and the more you have the faster you can build roads since you can dispatch them to different regions for construction.

Bridges: Spendy and time consumming but worth the effort. Note that both roads and bridges can be destroyed. Bridges come in two varieties. The simple trus-bridge and a drawbridge. Both take time to research. Both types can be upgraded to fortified bridges that give more hit points.
Drawbridges can be further upgraded to tower-bridges that have some offensive capabilities.

Encampments: This is really a type of stance you can order an army into. If you order your army to encamp then they will erect tents, picket there horses, and dig a trench around their paremeter. This heals them very fast and provides a defensive bonus if attacked. It takes time to encamp, similar to erecting a trebuchet. They cannot move unless given the order to break-camp.

El Presidente' SCHRUB!

The dufus is at it again! Just when you thought that the failed Texas athletic supporter couldn't get any worse he rises to the occasion! Today we learn that he has slashed the budget for traking Russian nuclear material! Thats right boys and girls, our beloved dufus has cut programs that help us track plutonium, uranium, and warhead stock piles in Russia. Even his republican appoligists are backing away from this stupid move. What an idiot. I don't know who's worse Bush or that Rice chick. Of course Rice's role as national security adviser is perfect for her since she has sooooo much experience comeing from that intellectual think-tank otherwise known as the Chevron Corporation. Bush should be impeached before he starts WWIII.

PS I am not going to capitalise dufus since he is not worthy of a proper noun.

More additions to Megalomaniac

Once you are king you can also bribe the church. In AofE churches and the clergy go around making troops well and converting the enemy to your cause. Fine and dandy but the real church had other attributes. Forinstance Henry VIII made himself the head ofthe church of England thus gaining for himself a cut of all that lucerative collection-plate doe and taxes paid by pesants to the chruch for using church owned land to live on. The first cleric you create in your captial city is the defacto bishop. Once he is bribed you are the head of the church and you can get 20% of all the doe collected. This doe is a function of how many people live in your kingdom. Another thing you can "research" in the church is Simony and Indulgences. Simony is the charging of fees for religoius services. Indulgences is a bribe a person makes to God so that they get a few years off of pergatory. Both Simony and Indulgences were frowned on by the historic church but accepted nonethless as means of making more doe. Simony and Indulgences at 5% each to the level of doe you can collect from the chruch. Be aware that if your personal glory rating falls to below 10 those you have bribed will cease being your buddy and you will lose the benifits.

Homage is another thing to help you make money and control other kings. If you conquer a kingdom its land is added to your kingdom and its king, if not killed, is made a vassel to you. As a vassel this petty king must make payments to you on a yearly basis. the payment is 1 gold peice per person and structure existing in that kingdom. If you order the king to make more farms and people the king will then have to come up with the payment. if the vassel cannot come up with the doe the computer will tell you this and you can decide to ignore it and let him pay what he can. Tell him to reduce the exess towns and population (kill them all) so that the payment eqates to what is actually existing in the kingdom in question. If you choose
the former then your glory rating increases ir you say 'fuck you pay me!" then your glory rating falls but your kingdoms renown rating goes up.

As a vassel the king must also come and send troops to fight for you if needed. A vassel's troops behave just like your own troops. Vassels may also ask you to help them if a unfreindly comes raiding them. If this happens you can: Ignore them, Tell them to fight it out with their own troops, help them by sending your own troops in. Ignoring their crys will not cause them to leave your service, but your glory rating will suffer. If too much is destroyed that will adversly impact the income from that kingdom. If you tell them to fight it out with their own troops they will do everything to kill the enemy including invading that other territory and destroy it. This is risky for a couple of reasons. One the vssel might noght have enough strength to do it. Two they might kill off a potentially lucerative kingdom before you have a chance to conquer it and make that king a vassel. Sending in your own troops allows you to control things. Your glory rating goes up if and the renown rating goes up if you win. With your own general there you can order the vassels troops to do your bidding.

General is a special unit, like an assasin or a bishop. If there are no generals then the army is under the direct command of the king. As your power grows you will find it tiresome, likethe boy with his finger in the dyke, moving from mini-crisis to mini-crisis. A general is handy in that you can order him to control a given group of troops. You go to a seperate map screen and order him, via way-points, to carry out numerous functions. Example: You create a general in a Barracks (big buck but worth it) You select the troops (unlimitted number) and place them under his command. Then you go to a strategic map screen that shows the world minus all the graphic bullshit. On this map you draw the route he will take to his objective. You order him to move under stopping to attack nothing along the way. Once at the objective, say attacking a castle, you tell him to "lay seige" then you tell him how long the operation will last. If he takes more than 50% casulties he must retreat to the start location. If he is there for more than three months he must retreat to the start location. Once this is done he takes charge and goes about his duty. the point is that you are free to do other things whille the general is doing your bidding. Generals can also become emperors.

Further details on Megalomaniac

The opening scenarios using the halflife engine pit you in an every-man-for-himself set of battles. Your regiment will not attack you nor will they come to your aid if you get in trouble. Most are outdoor battles but a few would require you to hack your way into a stronghold or burn down a town etc.

The REVOLT chapter of the game adds a high degree of complexity to the game. The preceeding chapter of State Building is basically a clone of AofE.

In the Revolting chapter I made mention of assasinations, mercinaries and bribary.
Assasins are special units that you can create in a town structure called a beer hall. The assasin costs big bucks but can move through enemy terriroy without getting killed unless he is found out buy an Intelligence officer. This unit is also a beer hall creation and is the unit designed to counter an assasin. The assasin unit is a single use npc in that he will die in his attempt even if he is successful. Assasins are armed with a crossbow but it is not a long range weapon and so the assasin needs to get close. It is also an autonomous unit in that is out of your control as soon as you turn him loose. You go to your list of kings and generals and select the dude who is to be assasinated. Once that is done the assasin travels on his own to the location of the hit target and will try as often as he can to kill the guy until he is killed or dies killing his mark. If
you wish to call him off you will haveto hunt him down with your own forces and kill him. If the assasin is able to kill his target your plot will not be discovered and the nation the mark once lead will not attack you. Should he fail there is a 50% chance that the mark's country will launch an attack against you. And your personal glory rating will fall too.

Mercinaries were always a popular way to bolster your army if you were a poor slob of a king. Macheavelli didn't think much of mercinaries and warned against employing them. In the game I use Macheavellian rules for mercinaries. You can hire them from freindly lords for a specified length of months. Once they are in your command they will attack anything you order them to attack. Yet if they are outnumbered they will break and run. If the are garrisoned near a town, even one of yours, and they are not under orders of some kind, they will begin to attack the locals and burn buildings. If there receive no orders for more than a month they will go wild and you'll have to kill them. Mercinaries are best used for bolstering a force for use in a pitched battle where you have the upper hand. They pay no attentioin to your personal glory rating. Once their term is up they automatically leave and return to their home land.
Bribes can be a most effective and less violent way to revolt. In the game, during this chapter and onward, you can bribe any npc in the world. You can bribe clerics, knights, kings, castles, beerhalls, anything as long as you have three things. Money, a high personal glory rating, and your army must have a high renown rating. In otherwords you not only need the money to buy but the nature to intimidate. Bribed troops are loyal, unlike mercinary forces, and will fight even in death defying battles. However they cost more to bribe than mercinary forces cost to hire. The cost to bribe is tied to the stats you have and the stats of the king under whom they are presently serving. Once bribed they will remain yours unto death unless your personal glory rating falls below 10. In that case even your own troops will abandon you. Bribing kings is tough unless you have a huge amount of cash and the power to back up the cash with the not-so-subtle threat of war.

The chapter of Monarchy, where you have to attain the throne of your kingdom, adds further complexity. You have all the tools at your disposal that
you gain during State Building and the Revolt, but you also have to start paying attention to your kingdoms overal world rating. There are fifty kingdoms on the planet and your kingdom fits somewhere in that order. If you want to be emperor you have to get you ranking to number one. Not every kingdom who is listed as numero uno is an empire. Not only does kingdom have to rate number one but it's army must have the highest renown and the monarch must have a high personal glory rating. Once you have acheived that then you are, without doubt, the emperor of the world. As you claim more territory and vanquish your foes your kingdom expands and it gains in rank and stature. You should do freqent comparrison rankings with your neighbor states. If you see that you are inthe acendency you can try to bribe a kingdome off or take it over. If your overall rating (GRWR) is twice that of a neighboring state they may wish to have you become their overlord. As overlord you gain all the advantages of the wealth and troops of the subjegated kingdom without having to conquer it. If you decide to conquer a state you must reduce it unitl its GRWR is low enough so that it seeks
refuge under your rule. Only a kingdom that is adjacent to your domain can be subjegated without conquest. As king you must also continue your role
as leader by establishing farms, towns, castles, etc. You can also send exploration ships out to check out the big wide world. As your exploratio parties find more kingdoms your ranking will change.

Once you have beceom emperor your characters day are numbered. Eventually it will die. In selecting a successor you go to the list of generals and kings and you can literally select anyone under your control. You will notice there each character has a personal glory rating, an army renown rating, and a kingdom ranking. You want to pick a person who has high ratings. The higher the rating the less chance for a civil war to break out upon your death. However you also are given the age of each character. Since the life span, throughout history increases, at each time you choose the age matter changes. In the beginning the average life span is 45 with a maximum age of 65. So one way to choose is to takethe youngest leader with the highest rating. That way your emprie won't change hands to often. If you choose king Ulfwaln the sextagenerian he may rule well but may die before he can choose a successor. The main thing is that you don't know when your character will die. The likely hood that your emperor will die in a given year increases as he or she gets older. Chooseing a new emperor is an ongoing problem you will face many times in this phase of the game.

The last number you must deal with isthe world civilization level. It is a summary of all the ratings of all the kingdoms of the world. The higher that number the longer people live the less lieklyhood of war or plague and the higher all your emperors rating become. As this number rises new technology and society emerges. The main thing to emerge is the Senate. Peace leads to people demanding freedom. However, as in real life, the npc population is still pretty busy just tryingto survive. The kings are the first to see the need to cooperate with each other to achieve goals. You will be asked if you will permit a senate being founded. if you say no, depending on your rating, there might be war.

Bills do not come to you that often. The bills that come and their nature depend on the overall level of cililization of the empire.

I'll let you know of any other rules that pertain to this cool game ofthe future.