Survivor

I was hoping for squadron Air Cav gun ships to fly over the beach and pepper the last bunch of incipient freaks to death with settling rounds. "Survive this you backstabbing scum bags!" the gunner would scream over the rotor wash. CBS Videobroadcast van explodes as two missiles hit it. Kafooom! Survivor cast runs for cover in rat infested forest only to be nap'd into foamming, firey goo balls. Choppers land and the air cavelry commander gets out. "I love the smell of Survivor in the morning. It smells like......the end of the series."

Autumn in New York

The winner of the "Absolutely No Chemistry between leads" Award goes to this little dreadful work. Grew plays himself. Can he play anyone else? Ryder plays role of young dying person who knows everything about life.

Story: Guy who is a homemaker falls in love with dying lady. He cheats on her. She tells him to be a nice person. He says ok. She dies. The end.
Rating: 4 for the cinematic.

This was not a love story since there was no story and no love. Just a bunch of crap that was boring to watch and unrealistic when the dialogue did happen. Yuck I want my money back! I did come across a thought that gave me the shivers. Since seeing the 9th gate and Eye of the Beholder, I think my movie mind has been bucked up so that a really bad movie like this one might not get the lowest rating it should get. The afore mentioned movies were horrible. If my mind compares autumn in New York to those dopplegangers from hell then the rating might not be accurate. Oh who really cares.

Politically corrected into oblivion

Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You should never joke about that kind of thing..." The big fat slob said with extreme, selfrighteous, nose stuck up in the air, she-is-better-than-us, attitude. Donna and I had been talking about fleas and how we do not like them. We then made a crack about either killing the fleas or the dog upon wich the fleas live. Ha Ha Ha. Then the lady flipped her crap at us about how we should not "joke about thaty kind of thing" In Donna's office, about ten feet from the lady in question, Donna said, "I guess she doesn't like our humor." I then said, being the levelheaded watercalmer that I am, in a louder than normal voice "Big deal. If she doesn't appreciate our humor thats her problem. It's not as if I was seriously thinking about blowing the dogs head off or anything. Or stomping in it unitl it was flat! I love dogs! I love to eat'm! On a slice a'corn bread wisom ol #7 and slab a fatback on the side. MMM MMM good!" People who bristle with anger over a couple jokingly discussing flea infestation suck. How much angst can they generate over the billions of fleas that will die as a result of chemical armegaedan? Do they use mouth wash? Fucking a they do. How abou the trillions of bacteria they kill off and then spit out into the sink. Do they mow grass? I am sure they all have fucking gardens full of flowers and you can bet your sweet ass they're out there pulling weeds on the weekend. You know I don't like off color jokes anymore than the next dufus but come on! Can't people mind their own business? Do they have to feel it necessary to stick their hypocritical noses up the ass of life whenever anyone around them spouts off about fleas and dogs? Is this what the greastest experiment in human history has got us? The right to be a pest? To be, in a literal sense, a little anoying bug that bites you and makes you scratch? I will now make another off color remark. Perhaps we don't need bug bombs so much as.....oh hell somebodies probably reviewing the emails today anyway.

Law Suit!

Bail Jumper was and still is under contract with Rotten Banana Films. His appearance in Covert Operatives is a direct violation of his contract and we intend to file suit against him or squash him with a hammer. Even though he was a bit player and was killed in the first few seconds of the film he still should have asked if it was okay.

As for the film Covert Operatives. Animation wise it is not up to RAP standards but what is? Story wise it is a bit plebian too. Art direction wise it sucks. Sound wise it really sucks. Comparing Star Adventures to this film would be wrong but I am going to do it anyway. Our story has much better characters, a deeper script. Better art direction and sound. This film does have technically more blood but there was no scene in it more macabre than the elevator scene. This film looked like it took about a month to shoot.

Finally: If wuch a film is viewable on iFilm.com should not the REAL thing be available as well? It would run 39 minutes but so what. Thoughts?

Milk - It does a body... good?

The stench of milk drying in 85 degree heat can only be matched and surpassed by the following true story:

Two weeks ago Donna and I worked for two days cleaning up the the basement. We hauled out old nonsense we did not need. We vacumed where we had not vacumed in months. We shipped old books off to the Goodwill. And in the end Jessica could have a sleep over in the basement with all her friends. Cool!

To make it easier for us to clean we propped the door to the garage open so we could easily enter and exit from the basement. We used a small board for this purpose. Just a unassuming peice of 1/2 inch pine board. Near the end of the last day of cleaning the door closed. Oops! I went to prop it open again. Board? Couldn't find it. Where had it gone? Who knew. Maybe Donna was using something else. Okay a shoe will do just fine. Party went great.

Weeks passed, (Weeks). Then, four days ago I decided to boil up some ravioli's. I go down into the garage to our freezer to get the suckers out. I open the door and picked up a package of ravioli's. Brain first uses sense of touch to determine that A: package is warm and B since it is warm it cannot be frozen. Sense of smell is then hit by the equivelent of a tsunami. The olfactory center of the brain is wrecked, neurons scrambling for cover as the cascade of stench has to be processed. Nerve impluses are quickly sent to the left arm to slam the door shut as a last desperate attempt to stave off the oncoming horror. Higher neural functions then process the data.

Food not frozen, stink comming from freezer really nasty. All this means a catastrophic event has occured. I check the back of the freezer to see if it is plugged in. Oh...there is the board that went missing. When the door closed, a whopping two weeks earlier, it had propelled the board behind the freezer and uplugged the unit.

After several minutes of extremely nasty cursing, I take a safty breath and open the door. It is like the physical incarnation of an HP lovecraft novel. The call of Cthulu wafts out from that dank coffin of decayed meat. We had about seventy pounds of beef, lamb, and other meats in there. They have all thawed out and created a black lake of moldering blood in the drip pan at the bottom of the freezer. It only take a few seconds for me to mentally right off the entire contents.

We decide to plug the unit back in and refreeze the abominable contents so that when I clean it out the disguto-meter will not be destroyed. The inquest into what happened, and what should be done to make sure that so tragic and accident does not occur and again, determined that the gap between the freezer and wall should be covered. I used the same board for this purpose. The inquest also determined that the plugs should be screwed into the wall so that they cannot easily be unplugged. Gory disguting meat is now languishing in the dump.

The End.

Good Bye Alec Guniess

Oh crap now Alec Guiness is dead. I wonder if he'll be walking around in a blue arua?

2 for None

Okay, I am fucking pissed (Fist slams into wall with blood and plaster) Some ass-munch needs their gray matter exposed to the light of day. Who makes people like the dick wads that made the last two movies have had the grotesque misfortune to have to sit through. No sit through is not the proper term. Remember in A Clockwork Orange when malign McDowell is strapped into a movie seat, his eyes forced open with metal wires. That is how I felt. I was vomitsously sick. I needed a colon's after this mambo-fucking-jumbo nonsensical crap fest. I mighty has well have had my mouth stacked to the ass end of a Mr. Ed all night long. This was horrible, not in the 'oh that was a bad movie' way, but in the "give me the shotgun now!" sort of way.

There is no way I am rating either of these two non-films. They suck so bad that there is no number, or fraction there of, existent in the universes that could rate these bucked up drums of shit.

9th Gate - Johnny deaf

Book slug, who goes after rare books is hired by a total Fuji head to determine if his devil book is the real deal. Okay so far. So what happens? NOTHING! Nothing happens. The story is totally intelligible and useless. There was no bucking script for this hunk of dung. I hate this movie and want to excoriate it's memory from my brain.

Eye of the Beholder - Ewon McGregor

You know what you behold? NOTHING! I beheld the movie trailers before the movie and that was it. This movie stunk even worse than the 9th Grunt. I wanted to gouge the eye of the beholder out of my head. To behold this trash is to behold fly larva living in shit, to behold a pussy wart , to behold the total vacuum outside the universe. It is the total perspective votes in reverse. This was a bad film. I hope that none of you had the near total misfotune of having to sit through either of these abominations, these mental route canals.

Short of drinking a gallon of saline I don't know how I can purge myself from the effects of these squalid events. I feel impure, filthy, mired in some kind of artistic hell, I was shown the seventh seal of Morton picture Amageadan. Yuck!

I kept waiting for the steady hand of teanibopper action-flickism to take over but I couldn't even be allowed that. Not even a cliche' ending with lots of CGI. Only the cold, moldering, oblivion of non-movie. It was as if both movies ended at the end of their opening credits and there was nothing left but the gaseous emissions of the set carpenters and chatterers.
To know that, as Alec guineas lay dying in England, I was sitting and wasting these travesties of sublime mediocrity, is to die a little myself.

Barny Imagination Island

[10]

From the high quality cardboards sets, to the giant foam packed dinosaur suit, this film has it all. Cheesy computer graphcis, kids who sing and dance to songs I have heard millions of times before. A nutty professor who makes toys to play with. Harsh TV stage lighting. This is entertainment for the American masses. Who needs Shakespear!?

American History X

[8]

Edward Norton plays a neo nazi, bashing heads and spewing propaganda. His little bro is quickly turning into him. Their family is falling apart. Then he kills two black men and goes to jail for 3 years. This film is great in that it gives a totally believable picture of nazism. The main character. Far from being ignorant white trash, is smart, articulate, and charismatic. The dialogue is perfect and is so well thought out that you can really see the seductive nature of the white power movement. The arguments that are made by the Nazi's dove tail so well into modern American politics that it is scary. The film is pretty brutal and has a very sad ending. It is simple story done really well.

The "Puzzling" Mr. Ripley

[3]

Puzzling because we are given so little info about this idiot. He lives in a dump in NYC and he makes cash on the side by impersonating people. Okay. So what? His actions in Italy are never put into the context of his life. There are a couple of good things about this film. One is dicks Greenleaf, the American expatriate, jazz loving, rich kid. You'd think his character would be typical and suck but it is actually a great character and it is too bad the movie couldn't have been about him. Matt Damon's insipid little character deserved to be shoved off the back end of the Queen Mary. The visuals are nice too. Speaking of the Queen Mary there was a nice bit of composition of the worlds best liner, at birth at Long Beach CA, sliding through New
York Harbor. The Italian unit had fun shooting at all the save locales and the film did a good job of convincing us that we were in 50's Italy. I just wish the story wasn't so fucked up.

Bicentennial Man

[5]

It is a very nice film and tells one of the great Sci-fi stories of all time. However, unlike Green Mile, it trys to shove the whole story into a digestable 90 minutes. Argh! Not good at all. It made a great story as digestable as white bread that has been sitting in warm watrer for five days. The only redmeaming aspect is the quality of the story, the acting, and the set decoration; music isn't bad either. If your going to tell the story of the life of a two hunred year old robot you better take some time!

Best Sci-fi / Futurism films:

1. Star Wars Episodes 4-5-6 - 'nough said.
2. 2001 - mind-blasting even today.
3. Metropolis & Things to Come - (the reigning glory of Deco-Nuvo Futurism, you gotta have both)
4. Blade Runner - (Syd Mead unbound, wholly crap man.)
5. Alien - really dated visual effects, mumbled lines, simple story, fucking scary even now!
6. Close Encounters - Best of the happy-aliens genre, better than ET
7. Forbidden Planet - Captain JJ Adam's finset moment.
8. Planet of the Apes - Charlton Heston inherits the NRA's future.
9. Contact - Should be higher than number 9 but look at its competition!?
10. Gattaca - Nice use of late-FL Wright's buildings housing an interesting story.
11. Lathe of Heaven - Very simple story but very well done.

The Green Mile

[9+]

The best 188 minute long movie I have seen in a long time. It takes a pretty good filmaker to fully utilize 188 minutes of movie to tell a story. I am having trouble marking this film in the 1-10 scale. Many aspects of it were in the 4-6 catagory.

What was the point of the film?

Why have the John Cauffy character super natural? etc.

Yet the whole of this movie is greater than the some of it's mundane parts. It was almost a throwback to a thirties meledrama. Where force of character and dialogue had to carry lame stories and non-existent effects. In this way the movie is amazing.

Even though the story was middle-of-the-road the characters were very well difined and superbely acted. Compared with American Beauty this film kicks ass. Both films are based on subject matter that has been done to death, no pun intended. But where as American Beauty had characters right out of angstfilled-central casting, Green Mile's gards and prisoners were much more interesting. Where American Beauty, in my opinion dehumanized people into unrealistic sterotypes, Green Mile humanized every thing, including the mouse. It was fantastic (Arthorian legend style )

I'd like to have this movie on DVD. I guess I'll give it a....roll on one......a.....roll on two! I'll give it a 9+. Not many movies get that...not from me anyway. I think I thought of giving Shawshank redemption a 9 too. Hmmm?

Best Prison Films I have seen:

1. Shawshank (1994) Redemption
2. Green Mile- (1999) tied with the above, sort of SR part II with more special effects
3. Midnight Express- (1978) ouch!
4. Coolhand Luke - (1968) What we got here is a great movie
5. Stalag 17- (1953) A Billy Wilder Best
6. Papillon - (1973) Oops I almost made this movie 5
7. Dead Man Walking - (1995) Susan Sarandon as a Nun? The world would weep.
8. Gideon's Trumpet -(1980) H Fonda
9. Each Dawn I Die - (1939) Really old Cagney film I saw on chanel 12 when I was a kid.

The World Is Not Enough

(1-10......gets -550 billion on general scale)

Bond Scale( 1-10.....Gets a 5)

If you could view the score I gave for this movie in 3-d it would be so small that you would need a scanning electron microscope to see it. Or maybe that couldn't view it either. Physicists would be using quantem mathematics to hypothesize of its existance based on how it's potential existance may, or maynot, interfere with larger particals, such as..I don't know say sub-atomic nuclei. This film was really hokey. The bad-line-o-meter, back in operation after months of rebuilding thanks to Lost In Space, was instantly vaporized at the end of the film when Bond says to his girl of the moment, named Christmas Jones, " I thought Christmas comes only once a year." Blech! However Bond films can be terrible and at the same time rudely entertaining and this was that.

13th Warrror

[8]

I can't remember if I wrote a review of this movie but I was thinking of both American Beatuy and 13th Warrior so here we goe. This move is one of the best barbarian movies ever made. It is a great story of Vikings. It has an intelligence to it that floored me. If this movie had been a foreign import with sub titles it would have been hefted into the catagory of films by likes of Akira Kurosawa. Visually it had a great primordial look to it. The sets were proper for the period as were most of the costumes, some license being taken with armor. Another nice part about this films was that so many characters were played by people of the proper ethnicity. Old king Hrothgar (Same king as in Beowulf?) was played by Sven Wolter. Antonio Banderas came off well as an arab. The story has mild Beowulf overtones to it; a wayword warrior and his band have to return home to fight off a mysterious force that is terrorizing Hrothgar and his men at night. The force in this fiom is not a single monster and his mother but a host of thousands of canibalistic cave dwellers. This sounds kind of campy but it is pulled off in a scary realistic way. This film is the best Michael Chriton book-to-film thingy that has been made.

American Beauty

"To die, to sleep --
To sleep, perchance to dream, ay there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause; there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life."
-William Shakespeare,

Oh crap now John Gielgud is dead. Not many left from that godlen age of English theatre. Not many at all. Here is a photo of the big three. All having "shuffled off the mortal coil" [Image] Gielgud, Olvier, and Richardson.

I hope that heaven has a place for performing arts.

Now onto other matters:

American Beauty, (1-10.......gets a 5)
Why did this film win all those awards? It is a basically just another in a long line of "suburban family goes nuts" movies. The only saving grace was that this film had an end to it. It was unrealistic with cahracters that needed little in the way of passion or ability. The creepy voyer-dope dealer was the best character in the film. Kevin Spacey I really like as an actor, however his character was so badly developed an d thrown together that I had trouble choking down his story. There was no event that lead up to his transformation from dweeb to dynamo; unless you count smoking pot behind the resturant with voyer-dope boy.

Vader aye

How the hell can I be scared of Darth Vader when I am given the knowledge that he is a Canadian!? I can imagine the scene in the Daeth Star in Episode 4 when Vader is talking to Motti and Tarkin:

Vader: "Don't be to proud of this technological terror you constructed..aye"

However if you have a copy of the original art of star wars check out one of the cartoons in the back. The one showing Vader as a goalie in a hocky game, pretty fucking prophetic if you ask me.

The maple leaf that is going to play Anakin MrkII is 19 and so can have legitmate sex with Portman and thus cause all hell to break loose. I am hoping for a couple of NC-17 scene's. I think a couple full frontal shots would really jaz up the whole saga.

Reading some of the QA shit on the star wars sight makes me wonder about the overall sanity of people who dig star wars. I mean, I do, but I could care less about the origins of Boba Fett. Yet this is a big deal. Why? The dude says one line in Empire and gets KO'd early on in Jedi andthere are people who really give rats ass about the guy? I suppose the next QA will be about the origins of the Ugnaut that was playing with Threepio's head. How about Greedo? At least that guy had a decent chat with a major cast memeber.I'd like to think that he was the grown up version of the little one that hung out with Anakin when he was a slave-boy.

Another telling sign in the Episode II stuff I read was that the production was gearing up to get started in the next couple of weeks. In another paragraph there is mention that nobody has seen a script yet. Typical.

In my own story youngSkywakler has just had part of his leg and most of his left arm blasted away in a space battle. He has had to eject after his fighter slammed, kamakazee style, into a supposed alien battleship. His mentor, B. Kenobi is right on target for loseing control of Skywalker's training. Palpatine has just killed a Jedi on Cursicant. Mace Windu is wondering if he is the only Jedi on the council that has not been under some kind of mind control. Amidala is awaiting the certain doom of her miserable little clod. General Penaka is discovering his own latent Jedi ability, he's really the only steady guy in the story. Jar Jar Binks is no where to be found for his character is too silly. The story is taking on a kind of grizzly nightmare nature, sort of a cross between The Shining, Sixth Sense and Saving private Ryan. The lead character, Mandan Telayni, a personage who will not be around in the next story, so to speak, is at the center of it all and hasn't figured out the real problem yet. He know's who the sith lord is, aka palpatine, but he isn't in a position to do much about it. The really scary part hasn't happened yet.

Email Sucks!

I did a little statistical analysis of my current email dilema. Last year I averaged 6 e mail messages a day. This year it is running at about 15/day. Each blessed gem needs to be opened up and responded to. Some require simple replies like "Fucking A!" or "Crap!" More often than not I am sent some fucking eight page Word document done in 6 point micro type that I need to read and resond to. Or it is the e-mail that contains eight links to different web sites that I need to delve into and respond as to which one I liked best. So I have come to the conclusion that in roughly 18 months I will need a personal secratery to handle response to all the email. It is now 9:47am and I am not finished choking all the mail down. It has taken me 2.75 hours to respond to all of it. And that isn't even responding to each message since I know that a couple are magazine companies wanitng me to re-subscribe to Omni global hyper mega net weekly.

John philosophizing

John,

Youth is wasted on the young and life, in general, on the living. Your thoughts are mirrored in almost every observation I have made of those younger than myself. As men we are slightly worse off than women. At least they reach their sexul peak in their mid thirties and are old enough and smart enough to enjoy it. Men are hardon machines until their mid twenties then the ol feller starts to say "give it a rest you midless fuck! What do you think I am? Some kinda godman jack hammer?"

As for those smoking, imortal, teenagers, I would like to judge them damned and be done with them. However they are just trying to be what society in general wants them to be. ("Ve ver just following orders.) part of me thinks we live in a pretty fucked up society where the government has to tell us not to over prescribe prozac and riddilin to our toddlers, and people still argue over the right to carry a concealed firearm. We throw every concievable kind of tawdry image at the kids, deafen them with sex and violence, then tell them to obstain from sex and settle arguments with good natured handshakes. And the idiots who still cling to that moldering mantra that it is the parents responsibility to control what their kids watch and that they are souly to blame when things go awry, obviously don't live on Earth. From a parent's point of view it is getting harder and harder to control what messages their children are getting when the bus driver listens to the morning zoo, when there are pepsi ads on the school tv, and teenage mothers are nursing their babies on the steps of the highschool. As I see it the situation has been brought about by a near cult like beleif in freedom for freedom's sake. Freedom becomes, without responisbility and the understanding of consequence of action, anarchy. Kids in particular have been so empowered as to think that they are incapable of doing wrong and if they do it is because some part of society has led them that way. There is always some kind of justification for unethical behavior. Clinton is an excellent example of this philosophy being carried out in the White house. "Lot's of presidents did those things, he's only human, what two consenting adults do..." It makes me want to vomit blood. First of all we, as humans, have fucking huge brains and the ability to make ethical decisions and if we make decisions that hurt those around us and endangers others, well we better own up to them. If we can't do that and we try and explain away our wrongs then we cease being free at all and become slaves to impluse.

Scott

Bush and his great state!

The latest Internet "gossip" - I don't know if it's true, but certainly worth finding out... has anyone seen this or know if it's factual? --sg

The state of Texas, under the leadership of Bush II son of Bush is ranked:

50th in spending for teachers' salaries
49th in spending on the environment
48th in per-capita funding for public health
47th in delivery of social services
42nd in child-support collections
41st in per-capita spending on public education and ...
5th in percentage of population living in poverty
1st in air and water pollution
1st in percentage of poor working parents without insurance
1st in percentage of children without health insurance
1st in executions (avg. 1 every 2 weeks for Bush's 5 years)

Just think of what he could do for the country if he were president!
This guy is deserves not only to lose the his election but deserves to be bullseyed by a flock of ten thousand canadian geese.

Antoher thing I hate about Bush is that he says such stupid things like this:

actual quote: "I married over my head."
What the fuck does that mean?

He is constantly saying shit like this that is absolutely nonsensical. It isn't just a case of bad grammer or haulting scentances like his daddy. It is pure weirdo shit that brings into question his sanity and whether or not he might be an alien.

My scholarly opinion, steeped in intellectual ellitism, is that he is, as Socratese would say, a big dufus...possibly from another planet.

Super Tuesday Results!

Now its Bush II vs. Gore III. Watch them fumble all over themselves trying to co-opt McCains supporters and his message. The truth is that neither of these dandified princelings has a grasp of what the voters really want. So they have both spent a lot of time looking over McCain's shoulder trying to figure out what they should be doing.

McCain's suppopprter, far from being soft and easily turned, are a tough bunch who are so p'offed at the republicans and sick of the democrats that I doubt, even if McCain were to support Bush, they would do it. McCain, for his part, is a man of integrity and will undoubetly support Bush because Bush is in McCain's party. Yet there is absolutely no love between them. McCain will not actively stump for Bush nor will he accept a VP spot.

At the luncheon I attended there were a lot of Republicans who will not vote for Bush no matter what. There were many independants who told me that if McCain isn't the nominee they would vote for Gore. A few Republicans actually stated they might vote for Gore in protest over Bush.
Bush and the gothic machine behind him has alienated a large sect of Republicans and has belittled the voice of independant voters. When he loses to Albert Gore there will be lots of finger pointing and I will love every minute of it. This whole process has given me a greater respect for the diversity of opinion in the Republican party as a whole. Comming form a strictly Democratic background I find that a good thing. The media tends to want to paint all party people in one color or another. What I have learned, being in both, is that the media is full of shit. The real world wrangling behind the doors of luncheons, comittee meetings and debates is far more intelligent and uplifting than the media will ever admit. They want gossip to report on not issues and character.

I will most likely right in McCain's name in November however that is a protest vote and will not count for much. I like the guy and admire him. Do I agree with him on his social stands? No, not all of them, not even most of them. I am using the lipness test of Character for who I am going to vote for. I don't want a dandified princeling who thinks he's owed the white house.