Cheny vs Edwards debate outtakes

As we all know there is a built in delay in audio and video so that producers can remove unwanted stuff that may prove problematic for the sensor.........

Moderator: I would like to welcome you to this, the one and only, debate between the Vice Presidential Candidates. On my left is Vice President Dick Cheny and to my right Senator John Edwards. The first question goes to you Mr. Cheny...

Cheny: Thats "Mr. Vice President" to you ...fucker.

Edwards: It's kinda clear why we use the term "vice" in his title..huh..

Cheny: Fuck off.

Moderator: Well lets begin...

Edwards interupts: So how was it in the scene where Luke finally takes your mask off?

Cheny: fuck a broom stick you cracker

Edwards: There you go again insulting me. But Darth...I mean Dick...I am from South Carolina not Georgia.

Cheny; Fuck off

Moderator: This is getting a little rediculous.(begings to choke)

Cheny: I find you lack of patience disturbing

Edwards: Cheny release him

Cheny: As you wish

Moderator: falls to the floor gasping

Edwards stands and from within his quintessential dark blue politicians suit he draws his light saber

Cheny adjusts his pacemaker for active duty increasing his breathing.

Chenny: You've learned much young one..but you are not a Vice President yet.

Edwards: Your right and I'm full of surprises. So explain why your administration has cut funding to the Litoral services while expanding research into force projection battle systems akin to those underconsideration during the cold war. The diachotomy of reduction in coastal protection, and rapid response, while relying on an outdated gross force projection scheme seems at odds with most force commanders. what do you say to that?

Cheny : Fuck off

Edwards: How can you claim to critisize Kerry for cutting weapons systems when you advocated cutting the exact same systems?

Cheny: Go fuck yourself

Edwards: The administrations blind adherence to a weak dollar policy, lack of concern with outsourcing, and seeming cavelier attitude toward debt expansion seems completely incoherrent.

Cheny: Look I, and much of America, are sick and tired of using the F word all the time so why don't you just shut up and let us do whatever the Fuck we want?
Edwards: Because your a big fat scumbag whose gonna get the wedgy of his life as soon as this debate is over.

Moderator: gulp

Cheny: Well now son you show your ignorance again. You can't wedgy a man who is not wearing any underwear.

Edwards: Did you help your wife write the lesbian porno novel?

Cheny: Who says "she" wrote it?

Edwards: You mean.....

Cheny: No one ever told you who really wrote that novel.

Edwards: They told me enough. They told be Lynn wrote it.

Cheny: No, I am the author of the lesbian porno novel.

Edwards: No. Thats not ture...thats impossible.

Moderator: (takes pistol and kills himself while the entire nation ignores him)

One last message from o'l Santa

It's been centuries since I set down the guidelines for presents and shit.
So here goes:

1. Be nice and you get a present
2. Be naughty and you get diddly and I don't mean Bo.
3. Now if you are nice but start blathering around about how physically impossible it is for me to deliver all this shit to people then you get nothing. It's my business how I get my fat ass down a fucking chimmeny. And I'm a magic man! Space-time don't mean squat to a Saint! Speed limits and weigh limitation of sleighs are for you mortal ass-munches to live with.
4. Cookies count. If you have been naughty, I'm not talking about getting into an ilegal war, but if you have been middle-of-the-road evil, you can buy your way out of it with decent cookies. And I don't want to see a piddlly plate of chips-ahoy. If you give me cheap cookies then I want a whole bag. Skim milk is for fags too. I am one fat bastard so I need the 4% whole-milk or even better a thick cup of Baily's Irish Cream. No Eggnog though, not unless you want Santa to spew all over your holiday décor. The smell of stale vomit is not generally condusive to holiday cheer.
5. One thing that has started to crop up is the use of digital video. Now I couldn't give less of a rip if you and your wife, or boy-toy, or dog want to get freaky in front of your camera. But I draw the line at using the DV camcorder to try and shoot me. Anyone trys to video tape me and I will wake them up and kick their ass. You ain't had a beating until a 300 pound imortal Saint wakes you up by beating you to a bloody pulp.
6. Ask for the right gift. Elves are pretty good at most toys but this technoligical revolution has really sucked for most of them. They want to built a dolly and they get an order for 10 million video game console and games. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train an elf to build a fucking X-box. So humor me and save elf lives by asking for wooden pull toys or a plush lion doll. If you want a computer or formula-1 race car the ndo us all a favor and go buy it yourself.

I hope not to see any of you later.

Santa!

Uncle George

Once upon a time there lived a family in a modest little house in the Middletown America. One day their uncle George came to visit. He was a kindly man. He was soft spoken, hard to understand at times due to a speech impediment, everyone liked him. He would visit and watch "the game" with pop, while chomping on Pretzels. Once he almost choked to death, but Pop saved him.

This day uncle George came with a big smile. In his back pocket was a giant wad of money. He looked at mom and pop, and the two kids and gave each one a brand new $50 bill.

"Wow" they all said. "Thanks uncle George. So what is the occasion?"

Uncle George winked and said "I have a whole bunch of stuff to do, with a whole bunch of my friends. But I thought I would stop by and show you how much I appreciate you'all."

Looking at the giant wad of cash, pop asked "So George what are you going to do with all that money?"

George stuffed it further down in his pocket and retorted, "Well its actually none of your damn business. But if you must know...."

Pop felt terrible about the inappropriate questions and apologized.
Uncle George said "Think nothing of it. I hope you'all enjoy your 50's. I'm off."

Two days later.....

Mom stormed into the kitchen in a panic. "Pop did you take out a home equity loan?"

Pop scratched his head, "No. Why?"

"Well somebody did. Now we owe an extra $100,000 to the bank. It'll take years to pay it off." Mom was irate.

Just then Uncle George walked in smiling. He had a fancy new suit, a fancy new car. He saw mom and pop all upset and asked what the problem was.

"Somebody borrowed all the equity out of our home. They just took the money. Who would do such a thing?" asked mom.

"Well actually it was....er....me. You see I had a whole lot to do and you'all had that money and well I just took it." George continued to smile.

------------

What would you do to Uncle George?

Well that is what George W Bush has done to you. He has hocked your social security to China, and given you a 50 or two to keep you from understanding that your have been swindled. He has given your money to his friends. It will take the rest of our lives to pay China back for all the debt he has saddled us with.

If he was my uncle I would have him arrested and sent to Prison. That is after I had beat him unconscious.

Bush Leadership!

Grand rhetoric is in short supply in the White House. Nation suffers from embargo on meaningful phrases. Scientists are urgently needed to discover new reserves of rhetoric now that our supply is dangerously low.

When asked by Bob Woodward about how he thinks posterity will judge his fighting the war on terrorism, our great leader President Bush responded "Who cares we'll all be dead."

1933 FDR "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

1960 Kennedy "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

2004 Bush "Who Cares We'll All Be Dead."

FEAR

Bush team uses old "cut their pay to gain their vote" strategy.

In keeping with Bush Administration guidelines on stupid people acting stupidly. Their new overtime policy comes into play at exactly the wrong time effecting the wrong people. Like their previous drug discount system, it's 364 pages of legalize is both confusing and fear inducing.

confidential Whitehouse source - "Our efforts to scare the b'jeezus out of the old folks worked so well that we are confident of further fear induction to those workers currently most likely to vote republican."

When asked if they worry about upwardly mobile people now facing pay reductions directly caused by the Bush Administration. Our sources say, "Currently the Presidents advisor on Federal Emergency Action Response "FEAR" is very busy thinking up new ways for the Administration to terrorize, scare, and generally annoy the American electorate. Our confidence in FEAR has never been higher."

The President was asked if he felt he had a mandate to do these kind of things. He responded by saying "Mandate? That sounds like someth'n a New Jersey governor would do. I have been happily married to my wife who has been, and continues to be the same woman. Not that homer sexuals will rot in hell though they probably will."

The Bush 04 team has more "ideas" in the pipeline before November.

1. Put on scary masks to scare children as they go back to school.
2. Admit that they don't have a clue about what will happen in Iraq.
3. Invade Iran with boyscout troops.
4. Repeal assault weapons ban so Presidential assassins get only the best weapons.
5. "Reform" the Social Security Administration by bombing it with JDAMs.
6. "Reform" the Constitution by using really big eraser.
7. Thank Vetrans by proclaiming September 1st Patton Day and then slapping all returning vets in the face.
8. Build gigantic wedgeshaped battle cruisers to "explore" Mars and make the solar system safe for democracy.
9. Open gates of Hell so all Imps and Deamons can have a "fair" chance at communicating their point of view.
10. Give God ultimatum on the whole "Rapture" business. Expert from Bush speech - "He must comply with our request for Rapture or we will enRapture Him."

In our next segment: Cheny! Zombi from beyond the grave? Or fat rich bastard that is totally clueless as to his utter unlikeability?

40

I am hovering near 40. The emotional portion of my brain wants my higher brain to be concerned about this. The higher brain is currently looking at the matter with bemusement and mild indifference. The totallity of me is in the middle. I still cling like most people to the illusion that I have at least half my life left. This is an illusion since there are now, and always have been, thousands of chances to get killed off. The longer you live on earth the greater the risk of you doing something stupid, running into someone stupid, or coming down with something stupid, and dying from it.

I go with Donna to estate sales. It is like you are part of the decay of the person that is dead, or in a nursing home. You are the scavenger picking through this persons life. The ski boots that were in style in 1972, the Johnny Cash albums whose jackets are weather beaten but whose disks are pristine, the furniture, jewelry, clothing, ect. The most poignent and saddest things are boxes of old photos. They are sold by the box. The photo's that seem to be worth selling are black and white. I have a BW photo of a man, probably from the 40's, that has been colorized. He is smiling and looking at the top of his game. He looks, in the photo, to be about my age now.

At some point all the stuff we have will go this way. Some will be passed down. Maybe. But most, after a generation, will lose meaning and my picture will be in a box for sale at some estate sale. The stuff we have now becomes an after image of us; the last things above ground that say we were here. One by one the artifacts lose context. When that context is gone the item is just another disconnected curiosity.

I have listened to people talk about midlife crisis. And told myself and others that this is not goning to be me. But I think there is some internal, animal response in all of us. It is the response that wills us into a vainglorious attempt to leave a mark, something solid, something that will last. It is a vainglory since we seek the impossible. We look out on the pyramids and think "well at least that guy left a mark...whoever he was" Even the pyramids were built at the command of shadows almost totally forgotten. In time the buildings themselves will disapear. My kids and any they have will be the things that say I was here. Everything else will go. In a thousand years there will be some dude writing stuff like this; he will not know me, or even have my name, but his existance will not have been possible without me.

So what is the point of all that? I have no idea. Just some thoughts.

Tales from Wyeast

I have a story to tell you. It relates to the old building I used to work in. You may be aware of a portion of this story.

I work nights for Ivey Imaging. About six months ago Ivey bought Wyeast color. In the dead of winter we moved out of our old building to the Studio facility in Milwaukie. The old building sat on the hillside below Pill Hill. Once a month I would be given a roster with film and chemistry inventory listed. This was my cue that inventory would have to be taken.

Wyeast, in its heyday, used a prodigious amount of film, paper, and chemistry. It was the largest photolab in the pacific northwest. With the advent of digital technology, less and less film was used. The 3rd floor, the floor where all the processing went on, was shut down in 1999. Wyest numbered its floors in reverse; first floor was sales and admin, second was production, and the basement was floor 3.

Before Wyeast had taken posession of the building it was the property of the Red Cross. Floor 3 contained massive freezer rooms where all of Oregon's blood supply was kept. The freezers were perfect for storing film. The freezers were climate controled behind thick airlock doors.

Taking inventory always gave me the creeps. You go down in the elevator and when the doors opened you were greeted with total darkness. You had to walk down a short corridor and turn the lights on. Even then only a few were swtiched on.

The place was a maze or huge processing machines, drying racks, and chemical containers. It smelled of fix and developer. Businesses are here to make money and when a portion of business is shut down it usually just sits there. The 3rd floor was no different. I always felt a bit like the Omega Man wandering around down there. Desks still had paper work on them, albeit from 1999.

The freezers were dark and humming away. Once you were inside you turned on the lights and it looked bright and happy. Though the creepiness factor was always there since one wall was lined with glass doors, much like a supermarkets freezer isle. Beyond them was more dark building.

Inventory usually took several hours. Before 1999 it could take days. I would sit on a rolling chair and take the tally.

The building around me would make all the noises old building make. But every once in a while you could here doors open, or even feet. I would tell myself that it was all going on on the 2nd floor. Once I even heard a sink turn on and off. Then there was the time a bank of lights all sparked at once and then shut off. Even on the 2nd floor I would turn on all the light, and crank the radio, to cover the bumps in the night.

I would not even bother to relate this stuff to you, but I came across an article in the Oregonian today that made things more clear and disturbing. You see the building inquestion was built in 1961 on property purchased from the City by the Red Cross. This city property contained cemetery #4. One of the oldest graveyards in the city. The story in the paper says that a title search done by the owners and neighborhood association, has determined that the city made no attempt at removal of the bodies. A specialist in pioneer cemeteries was called in and, using his euipment, found coffins 5 feet beneath the surface. Currently there are 120 coffins under and around the current structure. The only things the city moved were the headstones.

Epilogue: I guess this is not new to the City. According to Mr. Doering, the specialist. There are bodys under all sorts of developments. There are coffins under the sidewalk at SE 32nd and Main. Coffin removal was not really enforced by the City until the mid sixties.

Party Politically Broadcast

What follows is a party politically broadcast on behalf of the "really pissed off Americans that are sick of the giant trud Bush" party. Look here. I don't like the sounds of all these bonsentration bamps. I am not sure what sign I may have to so on my coat. Help me out on this. The nazis had the jews use the star of David. I think we should be forced to wear those big foam stadium fan-hands. But instead of the foam hand in a prepetual index-finer extention I think the middle finger should be extended. Sing this to America the Beautiful Oh mornful rightwing radio lies Spreading waves of searing pain For purple bruises and broken bones Our nations rep is slain! Amerika Amerika Bush has greatly shit on thee And on they hood his boot has stood and crushed our liberty!

Reasons to vote for Kerry:

• All the people who really know John Kerry are voting for John Kerry.
• All the people who really know George Bush are vorting for John Kerry.
• John Kerry's old staff stand by him and defend him.
• Bush's old staff write tell-all books about him denegrating him.
• Kerry was a rich kid who could have been a playboy and decided to volenteer for service.
• Bush was a rich kid who dodged his service, made excuses as to why he couldn't show up, and lived off his dad's money.
• Terrisa H Kerry spent her youth protesting apartide in South Africa.
• Laura Bush ran a stop light and killed her ex-boyfreind (who was riding in another car?!?!?)
• Kerry willingly put his life on the line for people he did not know.
• Bush willing put the lives of people he did not know on the line.
• Bush talks about being a Christian but does not practice his beliefs.
• Kerry does not talk about being a Christian but does practice his beliefs.
• Bush has no freinds oversees, no close contacts, no buddys.
• Kerry has numerous connections to people in power in other nations.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

My brain is now in the process of unscrewing the top of my head in hopes of flying to another planet not ruled by morons.

1) Bush is retarded. I can now honestly say that I do not wish retarded people to be the President. Not that retarded people have no place in society. I am destined to have retarded people as a President. My class of 1983 was governed by a retarded person (I am not kidding) However he did not have access to thermonuclear weapons.

Mr. Bush! Yes you. Call Rider and get the moving vans reserved. You and your bunch of empty headed, arch criminals need to get the fuck out of dodge. Sorry you will have to read this because I do not have time to draw you and your gang of mouth breathing, Vogons a picture book to follow. Just try not to accidently kill 40,000 people when you pack. You dumbass. However you nutballs have managed to make Reagan look smart. And you have been able to elevate that French sllimeball Chirac to the status of world leader. You guys really.........suck!

2) Kerry is not retarded but is promising a healthcare system that only retarded people would wish on themselves, or Hitler, or maybe even Bush.
Mr. Kerry! Yes you! YOU CANNOT HAVE A NATIONAL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM THAT CONTINUES TO UTILIZE INSURANCE COMPANIES!!!!!!!!!!! Stop smoking crack! The only system that will work is a NATIONALIZED SYSTEM!!!!!!! You pay taxes and it goes to pay doctors. Government commands doctors and hospitals to charge "X" for a procedure, pegged to inflation. Why "reform" healthcare so I can send tax money to Blue Cross and it's 100million dollar a year CEO? Get a grip you putz. And get us the hell out of Iraq!

3) Ralph Nadar is infact the largest egomaniac in this race. His total lack of belief in the American people is made manifest in his utter disregard for anyone in America other than himself.

Hey Ralph! If you want people who believe in progressive programs such as the ones you helped implement to actually start running things; stop running for President moron! Duh! If you were honsetly trying to change things you would stop masturbating for the Presidency and work to get your people into School boards, county treasurer positions, city council seats, and state legislatures. Then eventually, with an actual political structure based on people who actually are known to the electorate, you might seek out Senate seats or House seats, and maybe even a governors seat. This takes time and you will be either dead or too damn old to run. To a true progressive this would be okay. To you however this won't do because you see yourself as a Presdient. Get laid and chill out!

4) Osama Bin Laden is the only guy who shows any patience, planning, or an ability to get to know his enemy. And this is the rub of the matter. He spends 100,000 bucks and inflict a half billion dollars worth of damage and only 13 of his followers have to die. Bush spends 165 billion to hurt Bin Laden and his freinds and ends up killing 900+ GI's wounding some 8000 more. Who is winning the war? It's the same as that skinny wrinkled geazer HoChi Minn and his pajama wearing VC.

All I want is some normal person who has his/her head on his/her shoulders and not up some corporations bung cave; or up their own.

Cat story

I take the garbage down the driveway to the curb at 2am. The moon, 3/4 full, baths the fields and casts stark shadows. The leaves of the apple trees reflect moonshine from them in a slight breeze. It is utterly silent, bugs are asleep, frogs are fucked out and asleep in the ooze. If I make enough noise various dogs and coyote's will bark and or howl at me. Tonight I do not make enough noise, or maybe the dogs are too damn tired after a long hard day of sleeping, digging up old toys, and deciding where to take a dump.

The can I take down contains a very nasty brew. We missed last weeks pick up, or they missed us. Either way the contents of this container have stewed under multiple 100 degree days. It contains two rats, ten or more field mice. lilly white maggots coat the inside of the lid of the container. They are drinking on the condensation caused by all the fermenting yuck. I have, because I am not a cave man, stealthily used a bunggy cord to keep the lid on. I do this so that I do not have to smell it and so that all the large animals big enough to take down a garbage can, don't have an evening feast on said yuck.

The latter has happened in the past I cannot convey to you my attitude slide, upon seeing all that decomposing, slime covered, maggot infested, crap spread all over the street. I most closely resemble Samuel L Jackson cleaning up the car in Pulp Fiction. I'm the Guns of the Navarone.
Anyway tonight I set the can at ease and turn to go up the driveway when I see her. Shelia the expatriate cat. Sitting sprawled out on the driveway meeting with Blanche another of our cats. Blanche looks up and wanders off as if to say "well you too have catching up to do I will leave you alone."

I have not seen Shelia in weeks. She just vanished. In our area coyote come in and snack on cats and small dogs all the time. They are just part of the food chain. So when I see her and determine that she is alive and well I am happy, call to her, and scoop her up.

Shelia always enjoyed the top honors at the house. She slept on our bed, got to be inside whenever she wanted. She had hopped into our minivan at the grade school when she was very small. She was the "Queen". Then she grew up and learned to hunt like all the others. She would go out for no more than a day at a time. Then two weeks ago she vanished. She normally would make quite a noise at our door to get in at night; now nothing. She would come if she heard food being poured into the dish: now nothing.

Now her she was. As I walk up the driveway I talk to her in the typical baby talk crap that humans use. At the top of the driveway Shelia looks deep into my eyes with her own deep yellow eyes and hisses like the Queen Alien at me. Being not too sentimental about all the cats we have, I drop her at once.

In the house I tell Donna that the Queen is home and she goes out to get the cat. In a minute or to Shelia is in the house. She paces the floor like a lioness. She spits and hisses like a totally wild animal. However she is also evidently conflicted. When Donna holds her she spits and hisses then goes to cleaning Donna's hand with her tounge. After a bit of cleaning there is another bit of hissing and the cat is up running around trying to get out.

We decide to sit down and watch TV, which is in possible at 2am since there is almost nothing on. The cat paces infront of us both hissing, groweling, showing no fear. Finally we let her out.

The queens has gone native. All those lovey dovey cats and dogs are always only a few days from being wild. Shelia can get all she needs from her surroundings. She doesn't need us. And the longer she is away the less she see herself as a kitten. I have heard that most house pets are always in either the kitten mode or the puppy mode. They never really grow up. Well this cat is grown up.

She is acting toward us now the same way Blanche, the other cat, and her duaghter Alba act toward each other. If they come close they will growl, spit, and swipe. Then go to cleaning each other abit. Then right back to hissing. They are parting too. The difference with them is that they both see us as parents. To us they both still act like kittens. Shelia is moving beyond that.

On the porch Sophia, Blanch and Alba are eating an evening meal at the food bowl. They see Shelia and make room for her. She goes to feed then growls at them. They all move away. She eats by herself. Then goes down the stairs and is gone in the night. This is very easy since she is almost totally black.

On the rail sit Cupcake, a totally inappropirately named famele cat and Whisky, an appropriately named male cat. They have been here since before we got here. They are fat on rabbits. They watch Shelia go. Then they go to. "The humans on the other side of the road have mowed their field. No place for the rodents to hide! Lets eat!"
Alba the baby and Sophia, her grandma, curl up on a mat and go to sleep. Blanche goes down to the street too "Maybe I can get the bunggy cord off.!

Alien: Quadrilogy

Well for the first time in a long while I have partaken in the complete Alien Quadrilogy. The NINE disc DVD set is mindboggling. After the whole hideous thing I have come to some conclusions about the Alien

1. What makes the original scary:
   The unkowability of the creature in all its various nasty forms, the low key performances, the non-heroic nature of most all the cast.
2. What makes the other movies not very scary:

The more the story teller trys to pigeonhole the alien into the insect catagory the less scary it is. By the end of the second film the aliens aren't very alien. By the end of the 4rth movie it was all just a graphic novel on screen. The whole bio-weapons aspect was beaten to death. The governement conspiracy was beaten to death. Ripley should have been beatn to death.

Studio concocktions suck. The three films that followed Alien were very much different in that they have the polished feel of a 'studio" picuture. They give us what they think we "want" to see or "expect" to see; hence the totally predictable plot, the same schtick. The original Alien went out of its way to give us something that we didn't expect and really didn't want to see (until we saw it and couldn't get enough of it)

I am really sick of being shoveled shit that some studio dickwad thinks I want. And this is, to me, the holy grail of movies. All the best films we love were made to surprise us and for the cheif benefit of the filmakers. All the worst films I hate are the ones who try to give me a formula that has worked in the past and is as surprising as finding out in the morning that the sun is rising in the east.

I am sure that LOTR will spawn other films that will be handsomely crafted, of great length telling us nothing we haven't seen before. I like the concept of doing a multi-movie series all at once. It forces the filmaker to take a big risk. To shoot one movie and have it bomb is bad, but to do three? I also forces some continutiy into the storyline and allows for less "hmm? How do I reconcile this problem?" from going on. I would dread another episode in LOTR. Of course it is out of my hands. Tolkien didn't wan't Retun of the King to be called that since he felt it gave away the ending. But it too was out of his hands. Those that create are at the mercy of those that distribute. I don't, as a matter of course, want to put the creators on a pedistal. Look at poor Dan O'Bannon, he scored big in 79' and that was it for him. And George Lucas owes his wad to Gary Kurtz more than to his own "genius" It is odd that the as the SW films have progress he has gotten to have more and more control!?!!?

Filmakers should stay away from "the making of"s I used to like the idea but really it cheapens the film itself and the movies become...well...movies instead of emotional experiences. I don't want to know about the building of Theodan's palace or that of Helm's deep in a rock quarry. After you read a good book you don't want to know if the author wrote it in his underwear.
The Alien DVD's have tons of extra stuff that is all cool and interesting. The volume of the extra stuff undoubtedly exeeds the lengths of all the films combined.

Sponge

What about sea-sponge? True it is not bipedal but they are unobtrusive and get along well with others. I've never heard of a sea spunge getting involved with "the wrong crowd". I also think that it is a safe bet that no sea spunge has ever been convicted of a crime.

Alpha Omega

"What in the?"

"Ah!!!!!!!!!!"

Crash!

The dog turd hit the ground and rolled to one side. "Now what?" It thought.

An hour passed and the turd took note of its surroundings. Grass, blue sky, trees blowing in a gentle breeze. "This is the life!" thought the turd. "Just kick'n it on the lawn."

After a day in the sun the turd began to lose it's luster. "Damn. I'm gettn dried out. Hey! Whats a turnd gotta do to get a drink around here?" There was no answer.

Then a huge bi-ped walked over and took a shovel and scooped the turd up. The bi-ped dumped it into a sack and tossed it into the garbage can.

The end.

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

I have massive production artist envy. I gush at the emensity of all the cool brick-a-brack that people had to do to bring this beheamoth off. Me like the movie. Me really like the movie. Finally somebody poured a can of Wup-ass into the Jedi food bag. Acting is still pretty stilted, but far better than SWI. It is fitting that Jar Jar Binks, as I forsaw, would spell the doom of the Republic. It is ironic that the entire destruction of a civilization could be tracked to that watery fart smeller.

Best part of the movie:
Yoda kick'n sith butt. No medi-chlorian crap

Worst part of the movie:
The credits. They came too quickly

Biggest Question:
"Years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in our struggle against the Empire....." Father? Well it certainly ain't the big DV. So Amidala must end up shacking up with the king of Alderan. And pretty damn soon after the intital coitus with AS that lead to the twins. Boy that is really going to piss Anakin off.

Suspension of disblief required for this movie: (1-10) 8.5
Coolness Factor: (1-10) 9.95
Character quality: (1-10) 7
Story quality: (1-10) 8.5
Want-to-see-it-again-factor (1-10) 10
Overall: 8.79 out of a possible 10

Hlaf-Life: The show so far

So the clumsy Mr. Freeman finally gets up the stinking ladder. He tosses a grenade and goes through the hole. Bang bang bang and the bad guys are dead. He sneaks up to a broken girder and puts a dart in the head of each of two thugs who want to kill him. He jumps his way across some busted shit and send another two thugs to Valhalla. Then he is at this silly landing pad thing with this Ospray that comes down and starts dropping more thugs. He caps both dudes then drops a demo pack and runs for cover. The osprey comes in again and just as the two slimes touch down they are blasted to jelly. Now Freeman finds this cannon and blows open a door.

Q: How much more of this poop is there?

The Cave

To: Osama

From: Cave Clan

Chill out and loosen the diaper on your head! Nobody took your stupid crackers. Can you say "Rat Infestation"? It's gotten so bad that Wakeem made a cell phone call to Termenix. Suffice to say the rats at that end of the tunnel are history. Of course that wasn't due to the Termenix people but to 2 15,000 pound daisy cutters!

Important notice: I know this sounds like beating a dead horse but please refrain from using the cell phone. The great Satan can pick up calls on his radio. Even calls to exterminators. Tin can and string is still okay.

Back at ya

The Clan of the Cave

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings

Okay boys here is the review of Lord of the Rings:

The Lord of the Rings is a technically brilliant film, eye-candy equal to all sorts of other big-ass films. Dramatically the film is good too. I like Frodo and Gandalf, and especially Bilbo. I liked the wood elf queen lady too, only because she was the scariest thing in the
film....BUT:

The human characters were nearly all stereotypical. They were unshaven, and almost all uninteresting. Unlike Star Wars Episode-I, where I wanted the non-humans to get the hell off the screen before Iblew chunks. Lord of the rings made me want to see more of the creatures and less of the angst filled Lucy decendants.

I can't wait to see the next film!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a 7. I will give it more points when the next film comes out. Until then I am holding them hostage.

Darwin award nominee 2001

I nominate Osama bin Hide'n...er...Laden

I would wager he will be dead before the year is out. He desreves the Hitler trophy for suicide since he will go down in the history of the new 21st century as committing suicide by pointing a super power at his head and pulling the trigger. His death will also be one of the most expensive suicides in history. Though on a per/capita basis Hitler still reigns supreme as the committer of the most expensive suicide.

Making more fun of Osama:
Osama is a master of disguises as well as a master of...well... I guess being a cave man.

Currently he is in the guise of Osama bin Hide'n, though he has been spotted as Osama bin Run'n, General Frank suspects he will soon take on the persona of Osama bin Bleed'n followed by Osama bin Die'n. Later on he may apear as Osma bin Rotten and finally, in the future. he will be known as Osama bin Forgotten.

A Knight's Tale

Comparing this to it's romanesque counterpart "Gladiator" I would have to say that this films was much.....

Well it wasn't as artsy-fartsy. It wasn't a drama. It wasn't particularly well acted. It had an appallingly simple story.

In short it kicked Gladiator's sinewy buttocks. Gladiator is a ponderous, meledramatic, old movie copying, cliche' battle scene, gumbo of doom. A Knight's Tale is a funny, exicting, fastpaced, doesn't take itself seriously at all, chutney of sublimity. I thought the use of Queen in the opening joust scene was superb. I thought "this is actually going to make me laugh."

A Knight's Tale is right up there with the original Robin Hood, Robin And Marion, Henry V (both versions), and Beckett as grand medieval films.

Another film that could be showhorned into this lot is the Thirteenth Warrior. This film was another pleasant surprise.

The Amazing Mezmo

From T.A. Mezmo
TO: Friends
RE: New Vice President
Mezmo speaks the future:

Dick Chenny will resign in less than six months.
John Ashcroft, former senator who lost to a dead guy, and current Attorney General, will be chosen to succeed him.

Moral? If you are so unpopular that you can loose an election to a dead man you too can be Vice President.

Potential? If Bush needs to be replaced, say because the helium ballon that is his head comes undone from his body and floats away, then the looser to a dead guy will be President.

I love dis' Country!